Becoming a swimmer, or a non-drowner, has brought with it a new slew of gear to ogle and desire. I did it when I first started cycling. Admittedly I still do it with bicycles, longing to hold that new carbon frame like a new lover... running a finger along its downtube... gently caressing its chainstays... fiddling its electronic shifters... admiring its tubeless...
… ahem... excuse me...
I do it with running gear because cycling spandex is very different from running spandex. Don't get me started on the outfits for every season.
Now I get to open a swimming catalog and openly gawk at the pictures of technical wetsuits, swim skins, caps, and goggles, which seem to make all the models look very impressive! I want to be impressive, too.
Since all new hobbies have a price attached, I have not obtained the necessary equipment to be impressively high-tech; but, thanks to generous friends, I am able to sport gear which should provoke some feelings of awe or, maybe, general ennui. Either way, I make stuff look good.
As a newbie to the sport I do not yet have the necessary expertise to properly discuss swim gear, but this will not prevent me from talking about it with an air of jejune glibness. Here are your basic needs:
WETSUIT: Swimming without a wetsuit sucks. Wetsuits, unlike me, are naturally buoyant. They help you stay in better form which keeps you more streamlined during your swim. This means less work staying afloat, more energy going into your stroke. More importantly, being more buoyant means less drowning. Less drowning is a bonus! I don't know how anyone does distance swimming without one. They are either very strong swimmers, or they're made of Styrofoam.
GOGGLES: Being able to see where you're going has amazing advantages while swimming. So you wear goggles. Firstly, you won't get water in your eyes when you lift your face from the water. You get to see where you're going. This is huge. Secondly, you won't get water in your eyes every time you put your face in the water. You can still see where you're going. This is also huge. What I am trying to say is this: Seeing is huge if you are trying to look where you're going. The chances of swimming off course is incredibly easy without things like sight, so goggles are a must. There is one downside to goggles. You can see things under the water, like lake scum, fallen trees, and aquatic plant life that resembles dead bodies when you're not expecting it to JUMP RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU! God, lakes are spooky.
CAP: They keep your head warm. They make you more hydrodynamic. They come in an array of fashionable colors that draw attention to the swimmer which, most importantly, can keep you from being run over by that teenager who you know has been stealing bourbon from his daddy's liquor cabinet every morning for the past three weeks before jumping on his ski-doo and running roughshod through the open waters like he owns the damn lake. Point to remember: white, black, or blue are not good because these colors blend in with the water. Anything fluorescent, neon, or possibly glowing would be great.
If you have these three items you are ready to pretend that you're a swimmer. As I become more involved with this sport I will surely have additional poignant, yet equally superficial, advice to give. I will, that is, if I haven't failed at being a non-drowner.
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Thursday, August 18, 2011
The People I've Met Along the Way (Part 2)
The Spewer: In July, I ran a 5K in Wakefield (www.takethelake5k.com - I highly recommend this race if you're up for a fast, flat course and you want to set a new PR). There I was running around the lake, passing other competitors, and feeling strong. First mile down. 6:34 pace confirmed. Booyah! New PR, here I come. Strong steady stride. Breathing is relaxed, rhythmic, yogic. Second mile down. Holding true to pace at 13:something. Final mile. I'm not passing people anymore but I am not being passed. The finish line is in sight. I am alone. I am at peace. I am zen. I am... being passed by some young upstart who has been pacing behind me! Damn his vile youthfulness. Try as I might, I don't have enough in the tank to catch up with him. Good thing I didn't. About 50 yards after he passed me he turned his head to the left and, in almost cinematic slow motion, spewed a chunky cloud of pre-race snacks over himself, the street, and anyone unlucky enough to be watching the race as he went by. That'll teach him to pass his elders.
The Ancient Ones: Speaking of the elderly, every one of us has met a few of these along the way. They are older then us. Some carry AARP cards. Most can tell you Back-In-My-Day stories about races of yore, when "we didn't have sneakers with absorption technology or wicking clothes or Gu... we ran in our leather-soled boots because that's all we had... and we were greatful for it! You kids today with your mamby-pansy spandex and GSP devices... get off my lawn!"
Here is one of my favorites: Climb to the Clouds 2005(?) - Around mile 80 I started to lose all steam. My legs were cranky. My confidence began to crumble. I hear a pleasant "On your left" as a fellow cyclist starts to pass me up one of the many hills. It was a man in his 70s riding what appeared to be a bicycle he had since he was a kid. The wheels had fenders. His gear shifts were on the down tube. I think there were springs under his saddle. Here I am on my full carbon pedaling out of the saddle, trying to make it over the hill. Here's this septuagenarian, smiling serenely, sitting in his saddle, crushing my will under his platform pedaling feet. Maybe I should have asked to ride in his basket during the next hill.
Superhero Girl: I would be remiss if I didn't bring up her. Just like Superhero Guy (see Part 1), Superhero Girl is out there to embarrass and emasculate us all. Although I have seen glimpses of her when running or cycling, she being way up ahead of me, the best place to observe Superhero Girl was at the gym. She looks like your average woman when she enters the locker room, but what exits is far more impressive. It's like a before and after with Clark Kent in a telephone booth, but much hotter and much less spandex. She, like Superhero Guy, has muscles that I don't have and don't think I could even develop. Her body is chiseled, like granite, yet soft and feminine. She walks with a calm superiority as all men in the vicinity are struck dumb as she passes. She chooses weights that I typically avoid because, well, they're really, really heavy. We stare, partly because we are guys, but also partly because we are envious. We secretly wish we had arms or quads or abs like hers, or could look half as good as she does. I've tried but apparently one of her special powers is fitting into that skin tight outfit.
The Ancient Ones: Speaking of the elderly, every one of us has met a few of these along the way. They are older then us. Some carry AARP cards. Most can tell you Back-In-My-Day stories about races of yore, when "we didn't have sneakers with absorption technology or wicking clothes or Gu... we ran in our leather-soled boots because that's all we had... and we were greatful for it! You kids today with your mamby-pansy spandex and GSP devices... get off my lawn!"
Here is one of my favorites: Climb to the Clouds 2005(?) - Around mile 80 I started to lose all steam. My legs were cranky. My confidence began to crumble. I hear a pleasant "On your left" as a fellow cyclist starts to pass me up one of the many hills. It was a man in his 70s riding what appeared to be a bicycle he had since he was a kid. The wheels had fenders. His gear shifts were on the down tube. I think there were springs under his saddle. Here I am on my full carbon pedaling out of the saddle, trying to make it over the hill. Here's this septuagenarian, smiling serenely, sitting in his saddle, crushing my will under his platform pedaling feet. Maybe I should have asked to ride in his basket during the next hill.
Superhero Girl: I would be remiss if I didn't bring up her. Just like Superhero Guy (see Part 1), Superhero Girl is out there to embarrass and emasculate us all. Although I have seen glimpses of her when running or cycling, she being way up ahead of me, the best place to observe Superhero Girl was at the gym. She looks like your average woman when she enters the locker room, but what exits is far more impressive. It's like a before and after with Clark Kent in a telephone booth, but much hotter and much less spandex. She, like Superhero Guy, has muscles that I don't have and don't think I could even develop. Her body is chiseled, like granite, yet soft and feminine. She walks with a calm superiority as all men in the vicinity are struck dumb as she passes. She chooses weights that I typically avoid because, well, they're really, really heavy. We stare, partly because we are guys, but also partly because we are envious. We secretly wish we had arms or quads or abs like hers, or could look half as good as she does. I've tried but apparently one of her special powers is fitting into that skin tight outfit.
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
Practice Makes Perfect? (part deux)
Swim lessons are over. I have a lot of work to do. I have to swim a 1/3 mile in September. At present I can manage a 1/3 of a 1/3 mile, which is, what, 1/9? Pitiful. I guess I should be pleased considering that 4 weeks ago I could not manage 50 yards without feeling like I was having a heart attack. Our coach, Scotty, insists that we just need more practice to feel comfortable in the water. How dare she use logic against me! That 'practice' theory of hers flies in the face of all my well-oiled excuses. Fine, practice it is then.
5:30am at the lake is many things. Quiet. Peaceful. Relaxing. Spooky.
In the distance a blue heron sounds off her mournful call. A fish jumps, causing a sudden splash. There is low fog covering the surface of the water. I am the only one at the lake. No one is up at 5:30 in the morning. No one, of course, except for zombies. Homicidal zombie maniacs lying in wait for anyone silly enough to wake up this early in the morning. Yup, this is what I am thinking as I put on my wetsuit and enter the water. Thankfully the impending threat of drowning curbs my fear of the undead. Unless there are water zombies. Crap.
Coach Scotty recommends that we always swim with a partner, even better if you can have someone in a kayak join you in case of emergencies. This is the best, most sensible way to do it. I've invited several people to join in on the early morning fun. Most scrunch up their face, wrinkle their nose, and respond with a resounding no. The others laugh and tell me there's no chance in heck. They all know about the lake zombies. So I have been swimming alone.
All in all swimming is, not surprisingly, getting better. Having a wetsuit makes things easier. I don't have to work at staying afloat while trying to work at propelling myself forward. I get to be buoyant which means less sinking. This is good. The wetsuit let's me focus on swimming technique. It's starting to be less seizure, more frantic freestyle. I guess Scotty is right. Practice will make you better; but the zombies reaching up from the bottom of the lake will make you faster.
----
If you are interested in learning how to swim better, or want to try your first tri but are uneasy about the swimming section, contact the Salem Athletic Club (www.SAC-NH.com) and ask for Scotty. I've asked around and Scotty is synonymous with swimming!
5:30am at the lake is many things. Quiet. Peaceful. Relaxing. Spooky.
In the distance a blue heron sounds off her mournful call. A fish jumps, causing a sudden splash. There is low fog covering the surface of the water. I am the only one at the lake. No one is up at 5:30 in the morning. No one, of course, except for zombies. Homicidal zombie maniacs lying in wait for anyone silly enough to wake up this early in the morning. Yup, this is what I am thinking as I put on my wetsuit and enter the water. Thankfully the impending threat of drowning curbs my fear of the undead. Unless there are water zombies. Crap.
Coach Scotty recommends that we always swim with a partner, even better if you can have someone in a kayak join you in case of emergencies. This is the best, most sensible way to do it. I've invited several people to join in on the early morning fun. Most scrunch up their face, wrinkle their nose, and respond with a resounding no. The others laugh and tell me there's no chance in heck. They all know about the lake zombies. So I have been swimming alone.
All in all swimming is, not surprisingly, getting better. Having a wetsuit makes things easier. I don't have to work at staying afloat while trying to work at propelling myself forward. I get to be buoyant which means less sinking. This is good. The wetsuit let's me focus on swimming technique. It's starting to be less seizure, more frantic freestyle. I guess Scotty is right. Practice will make you better; but the zombies reaching up from the bottom of the lake will make you faster.
----
If you are interested in learning how to swim better, or want to try your first tri but are uneasy about the swimming section, contact the Salem Athletic Club (www.SAC-NH.com) and ask for Scotty. I've asked around and Scotty is synonymous with swimming!
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