This was it, the Final obstacle course of the season (unless I find another one before the end of December which will make this the Second to Final course, which doesn't have the same oomph as saying Final... Final has a sort of... finality to it, don't you think?). This event was a different take on obstacles courses. Far less running and, by the end of it, much more **** this is heavy.
A group of us went down to the race and we all had the same initial thought: "This is a short course." It is called a Dash and they meant it. Short and fast. The course, consisting of 25+ obstacles, only took up maybe a third of a football field. We do at least a 5k course so, clearly, this will be easy, a breeze, a walk-through. This will be no problem. Little did we know how far up our collected arses our heads were.
We went to the holding tank and waited for our heat to start. As we milled around we noticed that MetroDash was releasing groups of 4 racers at a time. The four competitors would line up next to each other at the starting line, stamp the ground with their feet, shake their bodies to loosen up and relieve tension before the race, and look over the line at each other, and it hit me. This reminds me of a horse race; maybe one of those steeple horse races where they have to jump over walls and hurdles and stuff. Yes, exactly like that, but with no jockies or riding crops or, well, horses. Time to put on your Imagination Caps, Aggressors, because it's time for the Metro Derby.
We have Mid-Life Crisis, Whitey McWhiskey, Only Dates Crazies 2, and Illustrious lining up at the gate. Fine looking group, they are. Did you know that Mid-Life Crisis was the original Only Dates Crazies? They changed his name when Only Dates Crazies 2 came onto the scene to avoid confusion in the betting booths and it's probably for the best with that one ready to be put out to pasture. Whitey McWhiskey, who originally was a plowhorse, has made some amazing strides in the last few months, shedding some of his excess weight and leaning up for the 2012 race season. That one may have some surprises under his saddle. Of course, no one can confuse the mustang of the group. Illustrious has put on some superior showings in the past few months and we fully expect big things from him here today.
They are ready for their heat. The starting gun fires and they're off.
Illustrious takes a short lead out of the gates but is followed closely by Only Dates Crazies 2. Mid-Life Crisis and Whitey McWhiskey trailing slightly behind.
They hit the Rope Ladder Climb and it's Illustrious who makes it to the top and down first, but only by seconds. All four are off and running to the second challenge.
Illustrious grabs the rope for the Push-Pull weight sled and fumbles his grip. The other three have lined up and it's Whitey McWhiskey pulling a quick lead as he easily pulls the weight sled toward him across the uneven pavement. Looks like Illustrious and Only Dates Crazies 2 are having some problems with the weight sled, folks, maybe they should hit the gym more, and Whitey McWhiskey is now in front with Mid-Life Crisis trailing a close second. Whitey increases his lead with a stunning sled performance as he crouches in and pushes his sled back to the line. Illustrious and Crazies fall completely behind.
Illustrious and Crazies make it to the Tractor Tire Flips and watch as Whitey effortlessly tosses the huge tire out and back to the starting position. Mid-Life is doing surprisingly well for his advanced age, and, OH!... Looks like Illustrious and Crazies have just crashed their tires together and they're spinning out of control. That'll set them back a few seconds. Whitey is the clear winner at this event and he is first to the High Walls and Tunnel; but look, Illustrious has finished his tire and is picking up speed and has caught Whitey on the Wall. Mid-Life and Crazies are hot on their heels! Now it's neck and neck as all four are over the first wall and down they go through the tunnel... and it's Illustrious, Mid-Life, and Crazies pulling a slight lead on Whitey, who appears to have gotten stuck. It's a race again as all four hit the second High Wall and round the corner to the 20' Cargo Net.
Looks like Illustrious and Mid-Life are climbing neck and neck, then Crazies, then Whitey. Whitey is falling behind now and Crazies is looking up with a mixture of anger and resentment as Illustrious and Mid-Life make it over the top and are on their way down the other side.
Illustrious hits the ground running and enters the Box Jumps. His longer legs and youthful physique are starting to give him the clear advantage over Mid-Life's stubby legs and advanced doughyness as he hops up and down over the taller and taller platforms. Crazies has made it back into the race, catching Mid-Life mid-jump, and Whitey has fallen to the back of the pack.
It's Illustrious first to the next obstacle as he scoops up the 30lb medicine ball and, hugging it to his chest, realizes that carrying stuff while running is hard and this is heavy and he really needs to hit the gym more! He turns at the line and heads back to the starting position to find that Mid-Life and Crazies are hot on his heels, each carrying the ball on their shoulders. Whitey has just made it to the medicine balls.
It's still a close race. Illustrious has grabbed his pair of weights first with Mid-Life and Crazies breathing down his neck. All three are sprinting the dumbbell shuttle run to the line and back, with Illustrious still maintaining a short lead. Mid-Life is still holding strong and it looks like Crazies is starting to slow. Ilustrious and Mid-Life drop their weights and enter the Over/Unders. Illustrious pulls a short lead as he hops over and crawls under the hurdles. Despite his dwarfishness, Mid-Life is now matching Illustrious's speed and Illustrious gets to the Hill Run only a step ahead of this aging aggressor. They are up and over the ramped balance beams and enter the next stage, the Farmer's Walk, in a dead heat. Looks like another grab and carry with Mid-Life, already use to carrying extra weight, having the clear advantage over Illustrious. Grabbing the pair of 35lb kettlebells, they shuttle out and back, and, YES, Mid-Life has pulled a small lead on Illustrious as they run to the Monkey Bars! Crazies has entered the Farmer's Walk and Whitey McWhiskey has fallen completely behind.
Not to be outdone by this AARP member, Illustrious swings quickly from bar to bar and catches Mid-Life before they enter the next stage... and it's Illustrious over the scaffolding and 8' foot chain link fence first. Being taller and younger and, to be honest, much more attractive, has its benefits in these races. Looks like Mid-Life got caught up in the chain link fence and Crazies is now hot on his heels. Illustrious has already made it to the other side of the fence and has cleared two 4' walls well before the other three. Illustrious goes for the next obstacle, grabs the 40lb sandbag, hoists it onto his shoulders, and does another shuttle run. Mid-Life and Crazies are picking up their sandbags and Illustrious is running to the Low Hurdles. He makes it ungracefully through the hurdles and dives to the ground, rolling under the Low Crawl. Mid-Life and Crazies are finishing the low hurdles and leaving no room for mistakes by Illustrious. Whitey is several furlongs back.
Illustrious picks up the first object, a sledgehammer, and starts running to the turn around point. He turns and Mid-Life and Crazies, carrying their hammers, are back in the race! Illustrious drops his hammer, grabs the second object - a car tire, and runs out and back again, and only seconds ahead of the other two. Our favorite mustang is definitely feeling the pressure now and is sprinting. Without bothering to look back, he makes it quickly over the Balance Beams, through the Window Jump, and dives back to the ground, crawling under the Black Hole.
With only two obstacles left it looks like Illustrious will finish first. He is looking confident, but tired, as he grabs the second to last obstacle. He has the log firmly on his shoulder and is keeping a strong pace out to the line and back; but, wait.. what's this? Mid-Life has closed the distance between himself and Illustious and has grabbed his log, too. This is turning out to be a close race, folks! Illustrious has dropped his log and is sprinting toward the finish line. Mid-Life has dropped his and is trying to catch our marvelous mustang! Illustrious is over the final hurdle and has crossed the finish line with Mid-Life crossing only seconds later! What a great race, fans! Who knew the old horse had it in him to catch the young stallion! They must be putting EPO in his morning feedbag. They are congratulating each other on a well run race and are applauding the efforts of Crazies 2, who has just crossed the line, and Whitey, who had made a valiant effort, has now crossed the line, too. Well done, racers, well done!
We must not fail to mention one other racer here today. He is definitely the Dark Horse of the group, he being new to racing, and was not expected to win, place, or show. However, he did finish and finish well, and has made great strides to being a powerhouse in the racing world. Skeptics had their doubts with this aging beast of burden; but he is turning out to be a very able athlete indeed.
Until next time racing fans.
Final Results
NAME TIME OVERALL PLACE
Illustrious 8.16.4 27th
Mid-Life Crisis 8.28.4 35th
Only Dates Crazies 2 8.43.4 47th
Whitey McWhiskey 10.05.4 132nd
The Dark Horse 16.06.4 389th
Well, Aggressors, the race was quick, short, and, now that we know better, challenging. The chest thumping before the race was unfounded. From start to finish our heart rates were spiked. It was uncomfortable. Most of the time it made me realize how far away from 20 years old I really am. More importantly, it reminded me that it's the differences in these races that make them fun. One major criticism: Get it out of the parking lot and into a field. The dust from the lot was thick and choking. We probably hacked for an hour after we finished due to the dust. It's hard to do your post-race manly bravado strut around the ladies if you keep doubling over from couging fits and, apparently, flinging phlegm is not sexy.
A group of us went down to the race and we all had the same initial thought: "This is a short course." It is called a Dash and they meant it. Short and fast. The course, consisting of 25+ obstacles, only took up maybe a third of a football field. We do at least a 5k course so, clearly, this will be easy, a breeze, a walk-through. This will be no problem. Little did we know how far up our collected arses our heads were.
We went to the holding tank and waited for our heat to start. As we milled around we noticed that MetroDash was releasing groups of 4 racers at a time. The four competitors would line up next to each other at the starting line, stamp the ground with their feet, shake their bodies to loosen up and relieve tension before the race, and look over the line at each other, and it hit me. This reminds me of a horse race; maybe one of those steeple horse races where they have to jump over walls and hurdles and stuff. Yes, exactly like that, but with no jockies or riding crops or, well, horses. Time to put on your Imagination Caps, Aggressors, because it's time for the Metro Derby.
We have Mid-Life Crisis, Whitey McWhiskey, Only Dates Crazies 2, and Illustrious lining up at the gate. Fine looking group, they are. Did you know that Mid-Life Crisis was the original Only Dates Crazies? They changed his name when Only Dates Crazies 2 came onto the scene to avoid confusion in the betting booths and it's probably for the best with that one ready to be put out to pasture. Whitey McWhiskey, who originally was a plowhorse, has made some amazing strides in the last few months, shedding some of his excess weight and leaning up for the 2012 race season. That one may have some surprises under his saddle. Of course, no one can confuse the mustang of the group. Illustrious has put on some superior showings in the past few months and we fully expect big things from him here today.
They are ready for their heat. The starting gun fires and they're off.
Illustrious takes a short lead out of the gates but is followed closely by Only Dates Crazies 2. Mid-Life Crisis and Whitey McWhiskey trailing slightly behind.
They hit the Rope Ladder Climb and it's Illustrious who makes it to the top and down first, but only by seconds. All four are off and running to the second challenge.
Illustrious grabs the rope for the Push-Pull weight sled and fumbles his grip. The other three have lined up and it's Whitey McWhiskey pulling a quick lead as he easily pulls the weight sled toward him across the uneven pavement. Looks like Illustrious and Only Dates Crazies 2 are having some problems with the weight sled, folks, maybe they should hit the gym more, and Whitey McWhiskey is now in front with Mid-Life Crisis trailing a close second. Whitey increases his lead with a stunning sled performance as he crouches in and pushes his sled back to the line. Illustrious and Crazies fall completely behind.
Illustrious and Crazies make it to the Tractor Tire Flips and watch as Whitey effortlessly tosses the huge tire out and back to the starting position. Mid-Life is doing surprisingly well for his advanced age, and, OH!... Looks like Illustrious and Crazies have just crashed their tires together and they're spinning out of control. That'll set them back a few seconds. Whitey is the clear winner at this event and he is first to the High Walls and Tunnel; but look, Illustrious has finished his tire and is picking up speed and has caught Whitey on the Wall. Mid-Life and Crazies are hot on their heels! Now it's neck and neck as all four are over the first wall and down they go through the tunnel... and it's Illustrious, Mid-Life, and Crazies pulling a slight lead on Whitey, who appears to have gotten stuck. It's a race again as all four hit the second High Wall and round the corner to the 20' Cargo Net.
Looks like Illustrious and Mid-Life are climbing neck and neck, then Crazies, then Whitey. Whitey is falling behind now and Crazies is looking up with a mixture of anger and resentment as Illustrious and Mid-Life make it over the top and are on their way down the other side.
Illustrious hits the ground running and enters the Box Jumps. His longer legs and youthful physique are starting to give him the clear advantage over Mid-Life's stubby legs and advanced doughyness as he hops up and down over the taller and taller platforms. Crazies has made it back into the race, catching Mid-Life mid-jump, and Whitey has fallen to the back of the pack.
It's Illustrious first to the next obstacle as he scoops up the 30lb medicine ball and, hugging it to his chest, realizes that carrying stuff while running is hard and this is heavy and he really needs to hit the gym more! He turns at the line and heads back to the starting position to find that Mid-Life and Crazies are hot on his heels, each carrying the ball on their shoulders. Whitey has just made it to the medicine balls.
It's still a close race. Illustrious has grabbed his pair of weights first with Mid-Life and Crazies breathing down his neck. All three are sprinting the dumbbell shuttle run to the line and back, with Illustrious still maintaining a short lead. Mid-Life is still holding strong and it looks like Crazies is starting to slow. Ilustrious and Mid-Life drop their weights and enter the Over/Unders. Illustrious pulls a short lead as he hops over and crawls under the hurdles. Despite his dwarfishness, Mid-Life is now matching Illustrious's speed and Illustrious gets to the Hill Run only a step ahead of this aging aggressor. They are up and over the ramped balance beams and enter the next stage, the Farmer's Walk, in a dead heat. Looks like another grab and carry with Mid-Life, already use to carrying extra weight, having the clear advantage over Illustrious. Grabbing the pair of 35lb kettlebells, they shuttle out and back, and, YES, Mid-Life has pulled a small lead on Illustrious as they run to the Monkey Bars! Crazies has entered the Farmer's Walk and Whitey McWhiskey has fallen completely behind.
Not to be outdone by this AARP member, Illustrious swings quickly from bar to bar and catches Mid-Life before they enter the next stage... and it's Illustrious over the scaffolding and 8' foot chain link fence first. Being taller and younger and, to be honest, much more attractive, has its benefits in these races. Looks like Mid-Life got caught up in the chain link fence and Crazies is now hot on his heels. Illustrious has already made it to the other side of the fence and has cleared two 4' walls well before the other three. Illustrious goes for the next obstacle, grabs the 40lb sandbag, hoists it onto his shoulders, and does another shuttle run. Mid-Life and Crazies are picking up their sandbags and Illustrious is running to the Low Hurdles. He makes it ungracefully through the hurdles and dives to the ground, rolling under the Low Crawl. Mid-Life and Crazies are finishing the low hurdles and leaving no room for mistakes by Illustrious. Whitey is several furlongs back.
Illustrious picks up the first object, a sledgehammer, and starts running to the turn around point. He turns and Mid-Life and Crazies, carrying their hammers, are back in the race! Illustrious drops his hammer, grabs the second object - a car tire, and runs out and back again, and only seconds ahead of the other two. Our favorite mustang is definitely feeling the pressure now and is sprinting. Without bothering to look back, he makes it quickly over the Balance Beams, through the Window Jump, and dives back to the ground, crawling under the Black Hole.
With only two obstacles left it looks like Illustrious will finish first. He is looking confident, but tired, as he grabs the second to last obstacle. He has the log firmly on his shoulder and is keeping a strong pace out to the line and back; but, wait.. what's this? Mid-Life has closed the distance between himself and Illustious and has grabbed his log, too. This is turning out to be a close race, folks! Illustrious has dropped his log and is sprinting toward the finish line. Mid-Life has dropped his and is trying to catch our marvelous mustang! Illustrious is over the final hurdle and has crossed the finish line with Mid-Life crossing only seconds later! What a great race, fans! Who knew the old horse had it in him to catch the young stallion! They must be putting EPO in his morning feedbag. They are congratulating each other on a well run race and are applauding the efforts of Crazies 2, who has just crossed the line, and Whitey, who had made a valiant effort, has now crossed the line, too. Well done, racers, well done!
We must not fail to mention one other racer here today. He is definitely the Dark Horse of the group, he being new to racing, and was not expected to win, place, or show. However, he did finish and finish well, and has made great strides to being a powerhouse in the racing world. Skeptics had their doubts with this aging beast of burden; but he is turning out to be a very able athlete indeed.
Until next time racing fans.
Competitors in the MetroDerby - but who is who?
Final Results
NAME TIME OVERALL PLACE
Illustrious 8.16.4 27th
Mid-Life Crisis 8.28.4 35th
Only Dates Crazies 2 8.43.4 47th
Whitey McWhiskey 10.05.4 132nd
The Dark Horse 16.06.4 389th
Well, Aggressors, the race was quick, short, and, now that we know better, challenging. The chest thumping before the race was unfounded. From start to finish our heart rates were spiked. It was uncomfortable. Most of the time it made me realize how far away from 20 years old I really am. More importantly, it reminded me that it's the differences in these races that make them fun. One major criticism: Get it out of the parking lot and into a field. The dust from the lot was thick and choking. We probably hacked for an hour after we finished due to the dust. It's hard to do your post-race manly bravado strut around the ladies if you keep doubling over from couging fits and, apparently, flinging phlegm is not sexy.
That's fantastic! It's like the Preakness meets Wipeout!
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