Tough Mudder Boston: Obstacle Observations, Opinions, and Oh Did I Just Say That

Before I begin my yearly review of Mudder obstacles I must send a big shout out to team Age Aggressively for their strength, their perseverance, their determination, and their moxy.  To the seasoned members of our team, thank you for joining us again and lending your muscle, your hands, and your hearts to our growing family.  To our new members, thank you for trusting us not to kill, maim, or hurt you in any way during the course.  It takes courage to join a group of strangers and extreme patience to stay with us for 10+ miles.  Tough Mudder would not have been the same without you all (for team members see: http://bit.ly/11IJJ4q) and I hope our little team grows every year with more amazingly Aggressive athletes who have little to no regard for the personal safety.

Now I bring you a very serious analysis and review of the 2013 Tough Mudder Gunstock obstacles:

Kiss of Mud: Oh, TMHQ (that's Tough Mudder Headquarters to you Noobs), I simply adore what you've done to Kiss of Mud, aka, mud crawl under barbed wire.  Last year we we're able to crawl on all fours under this obstacle.  This year you've lowered the bar..bed wire, forcing Mudders to belly-crawl, to pull their way through the rock-strewn muddy terrain or suffer the ignominy of a bloody arse. 

Tip: If you are wearing a hydration pack pop the tube in your mouth before entering the mud.  There’s nothing like drinking grit for the next few miles to make you remember this.  You could also remove your pack, place it off to the side, and pick it up again after the obstacle.  This helps avoid pack snags on the wire.  Or, skip the obstacle and go directly to a local pub.  You won't have another chance.

Trench Warfare: It's dark.  It's mysterious.  It's the kind of man my wife dreams about... wait, no... It's a no-nonsense, full-on body smell kind of obstacle.  If you're claustrophobic or have a fear of the dark, then this one is for you!  Drop on all fours and make your way underground.  How far do the tunnels go?  No idea.  Just keep crawling until you see the light; but don't crawl too quickly or you'll find out whether or not the Mudder ahead of you wipes regularly.

Tip: No one likes flatulence jokes while trapped in 2 x 2 tunnels, never mind actual flatulence.  Unless you're in front of your friends, don't fill the tunnels with methane.  Biological weapons have been banned by the U.N and TMHQ.

Bale Bonds:  Still don't like it.  Hay bales are boring when it's only two bales high.  Maybe there's some legal reason they can't build them higher, some kind of habeas writ ad nauseum corpus stigmata that prevents Mudder from building something truly impressive.  It should be called Bale Borings or Hay-Hum.  At least put several rows of them in our path.  Several up n'overs would be fun.  It would be cool if you could build it bigger, build it like it’s on steroids... then you could call it Barry Bale Bonds.

Tip: Take your time going up and over this obstacle or you will miss all the blatant boredom it offers.

Hold Your Wood: All you can hear as you enter this obstacle are men asking if anyone would like to hold their wood, that they are done with their wood, would anyone like to use their wood, and that their wood would need several people to carry it because it's so big.  Oddly enough, men and women alike rushed to take hold of previously held wood and, as a team, use that wood in and out of the dirty and wet environment, amid the encouragement of those watching, until they reached the end... together... and stop in a sweaty embrace, congratulating each other to a job well performed.  Who is next to hold my wood?  Sadly, no one wants to hold it but me.

Tip: Don't run with the log.  It's muddy.  It's slippery.  This is the first year I didn't see some asshat run with his log only to slip and have it fall on him, breaking a bone.  Hold Your Wood should not be Hold Your Bone In Place.

Glory Blades: I love the addition of the Blades.  Take a Berlin Wall.  Lean it toward the participants.  Yes, the height of the wall is diminished but it also takes away your ability to use the wall face to climb up and over it.  Mudders can come together in unity and ten-finger people up and over it, or you can jump, hook a leg, and pull yourself over.  Either way these are fun.  The original obstacle, "Glory Holes," although a big hit with the male demographic, was not well received by women.

Tip: I had tips when the original obstacle was in place.  Well, one tip.

Arctic Enema: Oh, Enema, how do I love thee, let me count the ways: #1: Nothing felt better on a 90+ degree day than an ice cold arctic dip.  This was less obstacle, more gift from the Mudder gods.  We actually lingered, if ever so slightly, in the ice bath before exiting its icy embrace.  Seriously, if you handed me a marguerita I would have stayed in there for at least one drink #2: Due to the heat of the day, most women ran in sports bras (can I get an amen!).  Due to the cut of a sports bra, as the women pushed themselves out of the Enema their icy, heaving bosom (can I get a halleluja!) would fill with ice cubes, causing every women to plunge their hands into their bras and remove all of the contents therein.  Yes.  All.  Everything in there came out.  They didn't care and I support equal rights so I didn't care.  That's a lie.  I cared deeply.  For many of them.  Which brings me to #3: I saw your boobs, and #4: Thank you.  (before you get your stuff in a bunch let me remind you that I ran shirtless the entire race and you're welcome)

Tip: Women, if it's very hot during your event, do this obstacle several times in a row.  It will cool you down and make you more comfortable for the coming miles.  Just ignore the superhero sitting in the shade smiling at all of you.  He's just proud of how well you're doing.

WWP Carry: Wounded Warrior Project Carry, aka, carry your buddy from point A to B in any way possible.  Over your shoulders.  On your shoulders.  On your back.  Whatever.  Due to a separation in our group, I didn't have a buddy to carry; but no worries.  Members of my team came back to haul my muddy ass across.  Not a hard obstacle by any stretch.  More funny than anything else as men carried men, women carried men, as groups carried individuals.  Not so much a challenge as it was a team building experience.

Tip: If you are carrying your buddy please make sure not to crush his unmentionables when you pick him up.  Yes, I am talking to you.  You know who you are.  This is suppose to simulate carrying your wounded friend from the battlefield, not simulate every relationship I've ever been in.

Walk the Plank: Didn't do it.  TM closed it.  They were hinting that, due to the heat, the pond which it was over was now too shallow to jump into safely. However, with my expert investigative skills, aka, someone told me, we later learned that the platform built over the pond had collapsed.  Hopefully no one was hurt. 

Tip: When building a platform off which Mudders will jump avoid using duct tape and gorilla glue.  Additional materials that are ill-advised when constructing obstacles: paper-mache, tin foil, Lincoln Logs,  the French, corrugated cardboard, politicians.  All have been known to break under pressure.

Cage Crawl: New to Mudder this year, at least for us.  Rubber lined canals covered with chain-link fencing.  As we entered the crawl, our bodies fully submerged with only our faces exposed, pressed against the fencing,  I thought, "This is comfy."  I think the idea was to simulate near drowning + claustrophobic conditions; but what it turned out to be was a relaxing float through tepid water as we pulled ourselves through to the exit on the other side, unhurt and refreshed.

Tip: Try to avoid getting any of the water in your mouth.  Do the math with me: standing water, 10,000 Mudders, miles of mud, hot sun, no porta potties.  It's tepid for a reason.

Kiss of Mud 2: The sequel.  Twice the barbed wire.  Twice the mud.  Twice the kissing, but now with tongue. 

Tip: Do the same thing as last time but twice as much.

Firewalker: The old firewalker was great.  Huge burning hay bales.  Acrid, poisonous, choke-inducing smoke.  Fear of a burning to death.  Now that's an obstacle!  This year... meh.  The town put a fire ban in place because of "potential problems with things that burn easily."  This year we had to jump over what could be best described as a Bic lighter flame into a pool below. 

Tip: Avoid doing aerials if you don't know the depth of the water.  No pencil dives, for the same reason.  Keep your legs soft.  It will cushion your landing.  Oh, and the local convenience store has a sale on matches in case you run out of lighter fluid.

Mud Mile:  This should not be labeled as an obstacle.  Mudders walk, run, crawl over 10+ miles of muddy terrain.  The whole course is miles of mud so saying that this is the mud mile is redundant and unoriginal.  Of course this is a mud mile.  You know what the last mile was?  A mud mile.  You know what the next mile will be?  A mud mile.  Sure, some miles were muddier than others.  Maybe you call certain miles Muddier Mile?  Maybe make a Muddiest Mile and fill a trench with thick, watery mud.  Something we can really coat ourselves in.  At a minimum remove this as an obstacle from the list.  It's not an obstacle, it's the course.

Tip: Watch your step during this mile because the mud does get deep in some places and it will be very slippery in others.  During the next mile, you will want to watch your step because the mud is slippery and deep.  The mile after that you probably want to watch your stop because, you know, mud.

Funky Monkey: It took me three years to accomplish this goal:  Make it across these fiendish monkey bars without falling into the water below.  If you are unfamiliar with them, these monkey bars are built into a low A-frame, so you have to swing up the bars to its peak, and then swing down.  This isn't your children's playground bars.  It's been Mudderfied!  And I did it!  WOOT!  Of course, the people I was with did it the first time around, but I am sure it was due to my inspirational crossing!

Tip: If you don't have a strong grip don't try to swing across these like you use to as a kid.  Focus on moving bar to bar so you have the use of both hands.  It may seem like cheating but it's not because it works.  Also, if it takes you three years to get across it, don't fret.  Great men took just as long.

Cliffhanger:  A bit of an overstatement as there is no cliff.  I am not sure which hill was the aforementioned Cliff so I’ll talk about one I remember.  Mudders could see the finish line.  They could taste it.  It’s so close… and then we went around the final bend and looked straight up Cliffhanger.  Souls were crushed.  Hopes were dashed.  There may have been crying.  There was definitely swearing.  Mudders shook their heads.  Some sat on the side of the very steep hill, if only for a moment, to rest.  Others nervously giggled, unsure if they had enough left in the tank for one more climb.  At least I think this is what was happening, I was too busy asking Mudders, “How about this hill?”

Tip: If you put one foot in front of the other and repeat that technique over and over again, you will reach the top.  Please lean slightly forward while doing so.  If you try to stand tall you will fall backward with much cursing.  You will have to climb the hill again.  Sobbing would be appropriate by you.  Laughter would be for everyone else.

Boa Constrictor: No matter how many times I want to explain this obstacle, which basically is shimmying down one long, tight tube and shimmying up another one, I can't help thinking, "This obstacle is pooping out Mudders ."  Childish, I know, but they're all muddy and brown and some of them stink.

Tip: Admittedly this was a poor attempt at potty humor, so here's my tip: If possible, stay on your toes and hands, holding yourself in a low plank.  There's not a lot of room in there and this position will give you the easiest way of moving yourself through the pipes.  Pulling yourself on your belly might prove uncomfortable, especially if the tubes have been sitting in the hot sun all day.  If you get stuck enough Mudders will follow you in and help you out.  It will be like a Mudder Colon Cleanse, which is a great name for an obstacle.

Electric Eel: I have to admit, this year I was nervous.  Having been shocked the past two years, I was less then excited at the potential jolt.  Putting fear aside, I lowered myself into the pool and began my belly crawl through the forest of hanging live wires.  Left, right I moved, always looking for the biggest gap between wires in which I could fit.  Yes!  I made it through without getting shocke... F***!  As I exited the Eel my calf grazed a lonely live wire.  With a jump and a swear, I was out.  Looking around, none of my teammates got so much as a tingle from this obstacle.  At least not from the wires.  Might be the speedo.

Tip: Avoid everything.  You're in water and they put live electric wires in front of you.  All of that is a recipe for disaster.  Seriously, who puts themselves through this?  Stupid people.  No smart person ever asked, "Hey, who here wants to get a nasty electrical shock?"  Avoid this, unless you're into S & M, and if you are... my safe word is cinnamon.

Berlin Walls: One of two things happened this year.  TMHQ either made the Walls shorter or, more likely, I got massive air (for you whiter folk, I can jump very high).  The Walls, an imposing 10 feet (at least) in height, are a great obstacle for Team Everyone to ten-finger friends and strangers alike up and over the wall. After we threw other Mudders over the wall, we made our solo attempts.  I ran, hit the cross beam with my foot, leapt to the top, and grabbed.  Success.  Mad props to my massive air.  Now someone help me down.  I don't like heights and it's scary up here.

Tip: I have to warn you, your feet are slippery after several miles of mud.  If you slip, your solo attempt at the wall could lead to a sudden, quick stop... against the wall... with your face.

Lumberjacked: From a distance this obstacle looks easy enough.  TMHQ had propped massive logs about 5 - 6 feet off the ground.  What's so hard about jumping up and over?  Everything.  It's hard enough not having something to prop your feet against but to climb over something that has nothing to grip is a pain.  Furthermore, jumping up to the log equates to jumping into the log, full force, to the chest.  Admittedly, I used Team Everyone getting over the second log.

Tip: With a running start you can make it up and over the first log, maybe.  It's doable.  The same goes for the second but you really need to wrap your arms and legs around that huge log and, after typing that, I realize how dirty it sounds.

Just the Tip: Unlike every high school boy's attempt, this is new to Tough Mudder.  Wooden walls with 2 x 4s nailed across them.  You can only use the tips of your toes and the tips of your fingers to get across, hence the name.  If they placed this obstacle near the beginning of the course, it would have been easier; but they placed it near the end and at the top of a huge, steep hill.  By the time people reached it they didn't have much left in the tank.  Some people just waved as they walked by the wall.  I guess they figured if they tried it they would have to go all the way... which is why every high school girl should never fall for it.

Tip: Squeeze the beams between your fingers and thumb while you run your feet parallel to the boards.  This will give you more control as you move your way across.  Also, just the tip always means "and the rest of it, too."

Everest:  The half pipe is a staple of Tough Mudder and a crowd favorite.  This obstacle epitomizes what Mudder is about: Team Work.  Those already on top extend their hands in support to those coming next.  Those waiting their turn shout encouragement to the Mudders sprinting up the ramp and taking a leap toward the top, toward the waiting hands of complete strangers who in a flash have become your long lost teammate.  Mudders show patience during this obstacle because not everyone makes it the first time, or second; but they will!  Team Everyone will make sure you do.  I have no jokes about Everest.  It makes me want to be a better man.  It makes me want to hold Mudders close in camaraderie and friendship.  Especially you.  Yes, you.  You know who you are.

Tip: If you need help making it to the top, don’t aim for the top platform.  Aim for Team Everyone’s waiting hands.  It is their job to get you to where you want to be.  If you don’t need help, run fast, get your momentum, and jump just before the ramp hits 90 degrees.  Waiting hands will still be there, just in case.

Electroshock: This is truly the only way to end a race.  You’re exhausted.  You’re hurt.  You want that finish line beer.  You want your orange headband.  You only need to get through the dangling live wires of ELECTROCUTING DEATH to get your just rewards… that may be a bit too much… dangling live wires of ELECTRIC TORMENT… no… I don’t know if the wires were on.  This was the first year I did not get hit, nor did anyone in my group… dangling live wires of NON-LIVE DANGLINESS... just doesn't sound imposing at all.  Maybe we were lucky.  Maybe Mudder didn't pay the electric bill.

Tip: Ran, dammit, run!  Ignore that jolt of electricity, it's just your inner spark ready to explode, that inner fire ready to ignite your awesomeness!  Ignore that sign that says 10,000 volts.  That is meant for others, not you.  Your headband and beer await, not to mention the accolades of friends, the jealousy of enemies, and hugs from sweaty, muddy Mudders!  Nothing says finish line like Muddy love!

Stay crazy,

Illustrious

Mudder Team Update: Gunstock, Here We Come!

The 2013 Mudder season is almost upon us and this year brings us something new!  Mudder HQ has introduced a new course for New England and it will be the Boston Mudder (The Boston Mudder will be held at Gunstock Mountain in Gilford, NH.  Any reference to the course being anywhere near Boston, or even in Massachusetts, is complete and total poppycock.  New Hampshire is better than Boston, anyway, and a much better state to have fun things in.  It is the "Live Free or Die" state and we do sign a Death Waiver to be at Mudder.  Seems apropos to me).

A new year equals a new course but it also brings with it new members to Team Age Aggressively and new names for our old members.

Without pomp and circumstance let me introduce this year's Team Age Aggressively:

Mid Life Crisis has been averted by dating someone half his age.  It's like buying a new sports car with the hope it will make you look younger but all people really assume is that your pubes went grey and you need someone young to help you down the stairs.  We who love you can only assume that she is with you because she thought she was getting a Sugar Daddy or, after listening to you regale others of your sexual conquests, a Big Daddy; but in the end all she is left with is an Old Daddy.

Just Out of Diapers has made some massive strides in the past year.  She has wrecked Ruckus!  She has seized the Spartan Sprint!  She has completed the Spartan Beast with fearsome Aggressiveness!  She has earned her merit badge for Assisting the Elderly and apparently has gotten over that old man smell!  Great to have you on the team, Assisted Living.

The Bunny Balladeer has continued her pattern of singing through all sorts of terrain.  Although she has tackled multiple obstacle courses in the past she has, by her own admission, been lacking in her "training" for "races" that involve "moving."  We on Team Aggressive have no doubts about her.  In the end there ain't no mountain high enough, ain't no river wide enough, to keep her from finishing any race while using those impressively Nice Pipes.

She Who Has No Name has gone from mild-mannered event participant to full-fledged racer, while studying to be an RN.  She does obstacles!  She does running races!  She does triathlons!  She remembers people's names when she meets them!  Seriously, that is one obstacle I have yet to master.  I wish I could say it was from having so much on my mind at all times, but, really, I stop paying attention about 5 seconds into the conversation because bikinis and pudding and puppies... what were you saying?  Anyhoo, bring on another race with Hello Nurse!

Whitey McWhiskey had a set-back this year.  Something about a herniated something something maxipad midol cramping.  He is back in full swing with his daily training regiment now!  What is it, you ask?  Don't know.  It must involve pulling tractors or lifting hay bales or moving really heavy things because, seriously, you ever notice how thick he is.  I don't understand how anyone who likes his whiskey can get that thick.  Maybe that's it!  Whiskey is his spinach!  Is that the secret ingredient, Huge Jameson?

Of course you'll have me, Illustrious.  There is nothing I can say here that I haven't already said in all my other posts.  You can expect the same kind of amazingly aggressive behavior!  You can expect complete and utter domination on whatever course I run!  You can fully expect more outrageous lies about how amazing I am!  One thing you cannot expect, however, is a name change.  I will remain Illustrious (no one calls me this.  Most just call me names and I cry... aggressively).

We also have two new members to our infamous team.  There is the undefinable Mr. Unknown.  Who is this mysterious man, you ask?  Where does he come from?  What does he do?  What does he look like?  Is he even real because sometimes you worry that I make people up so it looks like I know more people than I really do?  The answer to all these questions, and more, is quite simple because... I have no idea who he is.  Seriously.  He is completely, totally, and undeniably unknown to me.  He could be sitting next to me and I would have no idea who he was which would be weird and extremely uncomfortable because I am at home sitting in my very sexy underwear as I type this.

We will meet Mr. Unknown because his daring friend, Little Miss Yoga Pants, is also joining our team.  I could have called her any number of inappropriate yoga-esque names but, truthfully, I think she can kick my ass.  There were also several yogi jokes but they were all dirty and, after saying them out loud, funny, but wildly inappropriate and have no place on such an esteemed blog such as this.  If you disagree you can stick it up your asana.




There you have it, folks.  Team Age Aggressively is ready.  We have put minutes and minutes of training to get ready for this year's Mudder.  Are we ready for mud?  Absolutely.  Are we ready for icy cold water?  Positively.  Are we ready to bitch about how steep the hills are?  You know it, sista.  Will we finish in record time?  Doesn't matter.  At the end of the day Mudder is never about the time it took you to finish but the time you had while finishing.

Just a few more weeks, Mudders.  Team Age Aggressively looks forward to joining all you other Mudders at Gunstock.  If you see us, come over and say "Hi" or "Hey" or "Illustrious, we love you!"

It's almost time for another orange headband.  Hope it doesn't clash with my speedo.

Live Free or Die,

Illustrious

Age Categories Are Unfair!

I have decided after extensive research during the past few minutes that separating competitors into Age Groups is very limiting and extremely unfair.  For those of you who race, you are familiar with Age Groups.  For those of you who may be new to racing, Age Groups are the groupings race officials put the competitors in so you may compare your race standings with others in your age group.

Example:

Joey - male, age 26 - runs with Steve - male, age 38.  At the end of the race Steve finished 12th in his age group of competitors 30 - 39 years of age.  Joey finished 43rd in his age group, 20 - 29.  Steve points his finger and laughs at Joey for finishing so poorly in his age group, stating that he, Steve, was only beat by 11 competitors while Joey was beat by wayyyy more, like 42.  Joey does the math and concludes that Steve is a prick.  Joey enlightens Steve with the fact that there were 400 competitors in his age group while there were only 15 in Steve's.  Steve, resistant to facts and ratios, points his finger at Joey, loudly states that 11th place is better than 42nd place, and goes to the beer tent to brag about being more awesome than Joey.  Joey decides to hate Steve.

OK, this example has nothing to do with Age categories as much as it does that Steve's an ass, but my point is this: Age Categories are prejudice.  Their basis is arbitrary and is biased against most competitors.  Let me explain with another example.

Example:

Joey runs with Tom.  Joey and Tom run with 500 other competitors.  Joey finishes 15th and Tom finishes 17th.  Joey's category is 20 - 29 M.NK.NW.LFT: Male, No Kids, No Wife, time to exercise and train and sleep, aka Lots of Free Time.  Tom's category is 20 - 29 M.K.W.NFT: Male, has 2.5 Kids, a Wife, a job that requires too much time and has no freedom to do much of anything unless he stops sleeping, aka No Free Time.  Joey congratulates Tom for finishing so close to him.  Tom laughs and points out that Joey should have done a lot better than Tom since Joey has freedom and Tom is  currently serving a blissful life sentence.  Tom reminds Joey that they need to account for all variables by using the following equation to even the playing field before final standings would be revealed:

ExT - [(FrT / Kds + O) + (CJGH)] = AANTE

** Ext (Exercise Time), FrT (Free Time), Kds (Total Number of Kids), O (Owner, aka, Wife), CJGH (Chores Just Given to Him, aka, The Unknown Variable), AANTE (Actual Amount of No Time to Exercise)

After applying the equation to each competitor Tom is clearly the victor over Joey by 9 places.  The real standing would be Joey in 15th place, Tom in 6th place.  Tom, with facts on his side, points his finger and laughs at Joey for finishing so poorly in his age group and joins Steve in the beer tent to further mock Joey's inadequacies.  Joey now hates them both.

See? These new grouping would be more fair to everyone and by everyone I mean me.  I currently hold the most wins in the group 30 - 39 M.K.W.NFT.WSCBHLM (Wears Superhero Costumes Because Hey Look at Me!).

Rationalizing ineptitude since 2001,

Illustrious

** The above equation is not for everyone.  Please apply your variables to the one that works best for you (or create one yourself and post it on the blog!):

ExT - (BC + BJ / HWMM)(NSNSNS) = AANTE

** Ext (Exercise Time), BC (Bag of Chips), BJ (Ben and Jerry's), HWMM (Hours Watching Mad Men), NSNSNS (New Show New Series Never Seen), AANTE (Actual Amount of No Time to Exercise)

ExT / LNP + EMP + MDP = AANTE

** Ext (Exercise Time), LNP (Late Night Porn), EMP (Early Morning Porn), MDP (Mid-Day Porn), AANTE (Actual Amount of No Time to Exercise)

Ext - [(HE)(LNE) / (BS)(BFFHBB)] - WOI = AANTE

** Ext (Exercise Time), HE (Hate Exercising), LNE (Love Not Exercising), BS (Bikini Season), BFFHBB (Best Friend Forever Has Better Body), WOI (Wear One-piece Instead), AANTE (Actual Amount of No Time to Exercise)

Who's Your Hero?

My kids love to swim.  So much so that they both joined a local competitive swimming team.  Like most kids who love their sport, they talk about who they want to be in their sport.  For them it's Michael Phelps with a slight leaning toward Ryan Lochte because of his performance in the last Summer Olympics.  I, personally, would like to be more like Lily Aldridge or Candice Swanepoel, or maybe I like Lily and Candice, they are wearing swimsuits in the pictures I have, and that's almost the same thing, right?

Right.

Go Team Bikini.

Onward.

I have also heard other children talk about their sport's heroes from football, baseball, etc.  They all want to be <insert major professional athlete of your choice>.  Adults are the same.  They praise the same athletes.  Worship them for the work.  Wear their names on their shirts.  Some go so far as to get tattoos of the athlete's number on random body parts, "I got a tattoo of Brady's number because he rocks!  Want to see it?  Did it BIG so there was only enough room for one number per cheek..."  Some may go too far.

Now, don't get me wrong.  I fully appreciate the hard work that all professional athletes put into their game: quarterbacks need to be able to read the field on the fly, wrestlers need to feel the energy of their opponent and react on honed instinct alone, and curlers have about the cleanest floors anywhere; but why do we treat them like heroes.  Are their athletic skills impressive?  Yes.  Do they inspire others to work harder in their sport of choice?  Sure.  Are the buns, as my wife likes to say, "very hot?"  I guess.

But heroes?

They don't save lives.  They don't educate children.  They don't take a bullet to the chest so I don't have to.  They don't buy my wife expensive things and say they're from me.  They don't sacrifice themselves to make things better.  They sacrifice themselves to make themselves better, which in turn makes their sport better to watch.  They are willing to go the extra yard, the extra mile, the extra fight to give themselves the extra edge; but I'm not sure if this makes them a hero.

If it does to you, then I stand corrected, yet, let me ask you this: If putting in the extra effort makes them a hero... what's stopping you from being your own hero?  You admire them for everything they are, for everything they do.  Why not you?  Will you get to their level?  Probability says you won't.  Will you get to your best level?  Probability says you will.

Don't treat them like they're better than you.  Better in their sport, absolutely.  Better at jet-setting around the globe and partying like rock stars?  Yep.  Better looking in spandex?  The vote is still out on that one.  Better people than you?  Nope.  They are just people who found what they are good at and were willing to try harder than everyone else.

Admire them.  Rejoice in their accomplishments.  Ogle their supermodel girlfriends.  Then put your cape and tights on and be a hero to someone else, even if it's only to your kids.  Especially if it's to your kids.

Up, up, and away,

Illustrious

New Year's Resolutions

There's really nothing like getting things started than by starting things.  Deep and profound, I know.  Take this whole new year business, for instance.  People sit around the night before and discuss all the changes they are going to make when the new year hits and BLAM the new year hits and BLAM no one is changing anything.  It has all been a load of hooey.  A waste of breath.  Promises unfulfilled.  Lies heaped upon lies garnished with untruths with a side of pants on fire.

Most of us want to change things in our lives but never get around to it.  Why?  If you want to make the changes you wish to see in yourself, what's stopping you?  You don't know?  I'll tell you.  It's you.  It's always been you.  It will always be you.  It's not your busy schedule.  It's not your kids.  It's not your long work day.  It's not your hurt knee or your bad back.  It's not your lack of funds.  It's not your lack of sleep.

It's  you.

You.

Every time.  Every day.  You stopping you.

Yet, you still make those promises to yourself, knowing that it's empty, as empty as the excuses you will pile upon it when you fail... when you let yourself go... when you let yourself down.

Do you know what is great about all this?  I'll tell you that, too.

Do you know what will help you make the changes you wish to see in yourself?  You don't know?  I'll tell you.  It's you.  It's always been you.  It will always be you, despite your busy schedule, your precious children, your long work day, your lingering ailments, your empty wallet, or your sleep deprivation.

It's you.

Always.

You are the reason for what you are, how you act, what you do, and how you feel.  You are the reason for your weakness or your strength.  You are the reason for your broken diets or your better health.  You are the reason for avoiding the starting line or crossing the finish line.  You are the excuses behind your reasons or you are the reason you don't make excuses.

You are the reason for you and it's time you resolved to be the you you always promised yourself you would be.

It's time you stopped being an excuse.

It's time you started being the incredible, courageous, simply amazing you.

Happy New Year (a few weeks late)!

Illustrious