Tough Mudder Boston: Obstacle Observations, Opinions, and Oh Did I Just Say That

Before I begin my yearly review of Mudder obstacles I must send a big shout out to team Age Aggressively for their strength, their perseverance, their determination, and their moxy.  To the seasoned members of our team, thank you for joining us again and lending your muscle, your hands, and your hearts to our growing family.  To our new members, thank you for trusting us not to kill, maim, or hurt you in any way during the course.  It takes courage to join a group of strangers and extreme patience to stay with us for 10+ miles.  Tough Mudder would not have been the same without you all (for team members see: http://bit.ly/11IJJ4q) and I hope our little team grows every year with more amazingly Aggressive athletes who have little to no regard for the personal safety.

Now I bring you a very serious analysis and review of the 2013 Tough Mudder Gunstock obstacles:

Kiss of Mud: Oh, TMHQ (that's Tough Mudder Headquarters to you Noobs), I simply adore what you've done to Kiss of Mud, aka, mud crawl under barbed wire.  Last year we we're able to crawl on all fours under this obstacle.  This year you've lowered the bar..bed wire, forcing Mudders to belly-crawl, to pull their way through the rock-strewn muddy terrain or suffer the ignominy of a bloody arse. 

Tip: If you are wearing a hydration pack pop the tube in your mouth before entering the mud.  There’s nothing like drinking grit for the next few miles to make you remember this.  You could also remove your pack, place it off to the side, and pick it up again after the obstacle.  This helps avoid pack snags on the wire.  Or, skip the obstacle and go directly to a local pub.  You won't have another chance.

Trench Warfare: It's dark.  It's mysterious.  It's the kind of man my wife dreams about... wait, no... It's a no-nonsense, full-on body smell kind of obstacle.  If you're claustrophobic or have a fear of the dark, then this one is for you!  Drop on all fours and make your way underground.  How far do the tunnels go?  No idea.  Just keep crawling until you see the light; but don't crawl too quickly or you'll find out whether or not the Mudder ahead of you wipes regularly.

Tip: No one likes flatulence jokes while trapped in 2 x 2 tunnels, never mind actual flatulence.  Unless you're in front of your friends, don't fill the tunnels with methane.  Biological weapons have been banned by the U.N and TMHQ.

Bale Bonds:  Still don't like it.  Hay bales are boring when it's only two bales high.  Maybe there's some legal reason they can't build them higher, some kind of habeas writ ad nauseum corpus stigmata that prevents Mudder from building something truly impressive.  It should be called Bale Borings or Hay-Hum.  At least put several rows of them in our path.  Several up n'overs would be fun.  It would be cool if you could build it bigger, build it like it’s on steroids... then you could call it Barry Bale Bonds.

Tip: Take your time going up and over this obstacle or you will miss all the blatant boredom it offers.

Hold Your Wood: All you can hear as you enter this obstacle are men asking if anyone would like to hold their wood, that they are done with their wood, would anyone like to use their wood, and that their wood would need several people to carry it because it's so big.  Oddly enough, men and women alike rushed to take hold of previously held wood and, as a team, use that wood in and out of the dirty and wet environment, amid the encouragement of those watching, until they reached the end... together... and stop in a sweaty embrace, congratulating each other to a job well performed.  Who is next to hold my wood?  Sadly, no one wants to hold it but me.

Tip: Don't run with the log.  It's muddy.  It's slippery.  This is the first year I didn't see some asshat run with his log only to slip and have it fall on him, breaking a bone.  Hold Your Wood should not be Hold Your Bone In Place.

Glory Blades: I love the addition of the Blades.  Take a Berlin Wall.  Lean it toward the participants.  Yes, the height of the wall is diminished but it also takes away your ability to use the wall face to climb up and over it.  Mudders can come together in unity and ten-finger people up and over it, or you can jump, hook a leg, and pull yourself over.  Either way these are fun.  The original obstacle, "Glory Holes," although a big hit with the male demographic, was not well received by women.

Tip: I had tips when the original obstacle was in place.  Well, one tip.

Arctic Enema: Oh, Enema, how do I love thee, let me count the ways: #1: Nothing felt better on a 90+ degree day than an ice cold arctic dip.  This was less obstacle, more gift from the Mudder gods.  We actually lingered, if ever so slightly, in the ice bath before exiting its icy embrace.  Seriously, if you handed me a marguerita I would have stayed in there for at least one drink #2: Due to the heat of the day, most women ran in sports bras (can I get an amen!).  Due to the cut of a sports bra, as the women pushed themselves out of the Enema their icy, heaving bosom (can I get a halleluja!) would fill with ice cubes, causing every women to plunge their hands into their bras and remove all of the contents therein.  Yes.  All.  Everything in there came out.  They didn't care and I support equal rights so I didn't care.  That's a lie.  I cared deeply.  For many of them.  Which brings me to #3: I saw your boobs, and #4: Thank you.  (before you get your stuff in a bunch let me remind you that I ran shirtless the entire race and you're welcome)

Tip: Women, if it's very hot during your event, do this obstacle several times in a row.  It will cool you down and make you more comfortable for the coming miles.  Just ignore the superhero sitting in the shade smiling at all of you.  He's just proud of how well you're doing.

WWP Carry: Wounded Warrior Project Carry, aka, carry your buddy from point A to B in any way possible.  Over your shoulders.  On your shoulders.  On your back.  Whatever.  Due to a separation in our group, I didn't have a buddy to carry; but no worries.  Members of my team came back to haul my muddy ass across.  Not a hard obstacle by any stretch.  More funny than anything else as men carried men, women carried men, as groups carried individuals.  Not so much a challenge as it was a team building experience.

Tip: If you are carrying your buddy please make sure not to crush his unmentionables when you pick him up.  Yes, I am talking to you.  You know who you are.  This is suppose to simulate carrying your wounded friend from the battlefield, not simulate every relationship I've ever been in.

Walk the Plank: Didn't do it.  TM closed it.  They were hinting that, due to the heat, the pond which it was over was now too shallow to jump into safely. However, with my expert investigative skills, aka, someone told me, we later learned that the platform built over the pond had collapsed.  Hopefully no one was hurt. 

Tip: When building a platform off which Mudders will jump avoid using duct tape and gorilla glue.  Additional materials that are ill-advised when constructing obstacles: paper-mache, tin foil, Lincoln Logs,  the French, corrugated cardboard, politicians.  All have been known to break under pressure.

Cage Crawl: New to Mudder this year, at least for us.  Rubber lined canals covered with chain-link fencing.  As we entered the crawl, our bodies fully submerged with only our faces exposed, pressed against the fencing,  I thought, "This is comfy."  I think the idea was to simulate near drowning + claustrophobic conditions; but what it turned out to be was a relaxing float through tepid water as we pulled ourselves through to the exit on the other side, unhurt and refreshed.

Tip: Try to avoid getting any of the water in your mouth.  Do the math with me: standing water, 10,000 Mudders, miles of mud, hot sun, no porta potties.  It's tepid for a reason.

Kiss of Mud 2: The sequel.  Twice the barbed wire.  Twice the mud.  Twice the kissing, but now with tongue. 

Tip: Do the same thing as last time but twice as much.

Firewalker: The old firewalker was great.  Huge burning hay bales.  Acrid, poisonous, choke-inducing smoke.  Fear of a burning to death.  Now that's an obstacle!  This year... meh.  The town put a fire ban in place because of "potential problems with things that burn easily."  This year we had to jump over what could be best described as a Bic lighter flame into a pool below. 

Tip: Avoid doing aerials if you don't know the depth of the water.  No pencil dives, for the same reason.  Keep your legs soft.  It will cushion your landing.  Oh, and the local convenience store has a sale on matches in case you run out of lighter fluid.

Mud Mile:  This should not be labeled as an obstacle.  Mudders walk, run, crawl over 10+ miles of muddy terrain.  The whole course is miles of mud so saying that this is the mud mile is redundant and unoriginal.  Of course this is a mud mile.  You know what the last mile was?  A mud mile.  You know what the next mile will be?  A mud mile.  Sure, some miles were muddier than others.  Maybe you call certain miles Muddier Mile?  Maybe make a Muddiest Mile and fill a trench with thick, watery mud.  Something we can really coat ourselves in.  At a minimum remove this as an obstacle from the list.  It's not an obstacle, it's the course.

Tip: Watch your step during this mile because the mud does get deep in some places and it will be very slippery in others.  During the next mile, you will want to watch your step because the mud is slippery and deep.  The mile after that you probably want to watch your stop because, you know, mud.

Funky Monkey: It took me three years to accomplish this goal:  Make it across these fiendish monkey bars without falling into the water below.  If you are unfamiliar with them, these monkey bars are built into a low A-frame, so you have to swing up the bars to its peak, and then swing down.  This isn't your children's playground bars.  It's been Mudderfied!  And I did it!  WOOT!  Of course, the people I was with did it the first time around, but I am sure it was due to my inspirational crossing!

Tip: If you don't have a strong grip don't try to swing across these like you use to as a kid.  Focus on moving bar to bar so you have the use of both hands.  It may seem like cheating but it's not because it works.  Also, if it takes you three years to get across it, don't fret.  Great men took just as long.

Cliffhanger:  A bit of an overstatement as there is no cliff.  I am not sure which hill was the aforementioned Cliff so I’ll talk about one I remember.  Mudders could see the finish line.  They could taste it.  It’s so close… and then we went around the final bend and looked straight up Cliffhanger.  Souls were crushed.  Hopes were dashed.  There may have been crying.  There was definitely swearing.  Mudders shook their heads.  Some sat on the side of the very steep hill, if only for a moment, to rest.  Others nervously giggled, unsure if they had enough left in the tank for one more climb.  At least I think this is what was happening, I was too busy asking Mudders, “How about this hill?”

Tip: If you put one foot in front of the other and repeat that technique over and over again, you will reach the top.  Please lean slightly forward while doing so.  If you try to stand tall you will fall backward with much cursing.  You will have to climb the hill again.  Sobbing would be appropriate by you.  Laughter would be for everyone else.

Boa Constrictor: No matter how many times I want to explain this obstacle, which basically is shimmying down one long, tight tube and shimmying up another one, I can't help thinking, "This obstacle is pooping out Mudders ."  Childish, I know, but they're all muddy and brown and some of them stink.

Tip: Admittedly this was a poor attempt at potty humor, so here's my tip: If possible, stay on your toes and hands, holding yourself in a low plank.  There's not a lot of room in there and this position will give you the easiest way of moving yourself through the pipes.  Pulling yourself on your belly might prove uncomfortable, especially if the tubes have been sitting in the hot sun all day.  If you get stuck enough Mudders will follow you in and help you out.  It will be like a Mudder Colon Cleanse, which is a great name for an obstacle.

Electric Eel: I have to admit, this year I was nervous.  Having been shocked the past two years, I was less then excited at the potential jolt.  Putting fear aside, I lowered myself into the pool and began my belly crawl through the forest of hanging live wires.  Left, right I moved, always looking for the biggest gap between wires in which I could fit.  Yes!  I made it through without getting shocke... F***!  As I exited the Eel my calf grazed a lonely live wire.  With a jump and a swear, I was out.  Looking around, none of my teammates got so much as a tingle from this obstacle.  At least not from the wires.  Might be the speedo.

Tip: Avoid everything.  You're in water and they put live electric wires in front of you.  All of that is a recipe for disaster.  Seriously, who puts themselves through this?  Stupid people.  No smart person ever asked, "Hey, who here wants to get a nasty electrical shock?"  Avoid this, unless you're into S & M, and if you are... my safe word is cinnamon.

Berlin Walls: One of two things happened this year.  TMHQ either made the Walls shorter or, more likely, I got massive air (for you whiter folk, I can jump very high).  The Walls, an imposing 10 feet (at least) in height, are a great obstacle for Team Everyone to ten-finger friends and strangers alike up and over the wall. After we threw other Mudders over the wall, we made our solo attempts.  I ran, hit the cross beam with my foot, leapt to the top, and grabbed.  Success.  Mad props to my massive air.  Now someone help me down.  I don't like heights and it's scary up here.

Tip: I have to warn you, your feet are slippery after several miles of mud.  If you slip, your solo attempt at the wall could lead to a sudden, quick stop... against the wall... with your face.

Lumberjacked: From a distance this obstacle looks easy enough.  TMHQ had propped massive logs about 5 - 6 feet off the ground.  What's so hard about jumping up and over?  Everything.  It's hard enough not having something to prop your feet against but to climb over something that has nothing to grip is a pain.  Furthermore, jumping up to the log equates to jumping into the log, full force, to the chest.  Admittedly, I used Team Everyone getting over the second log.

Tip: With a running start you can make it up and over the first log, maybe.  It's doable.  The same goes for the second but you really need to wrap your arms and legs around that huge log and, after typing that, I realize how dirty it sounds.

Just the Tip: Unlike every high school boy's attempt, this is new to Tough Mudder.  Wooden walls with 2 x 4s nailed across them.  You can only use the tips of your toes and the tips of your fingers to get across, hence the name.  If they placed this obstacle near the beginning of the course, it would have been easier; but they placed it near the end and at the top of a huge, steep hill.  By the time people reached it they didn't have much left in the tank.  Some people just waved as they walked by the wall.  I guess they figured if they tried it they would have to go all the way... which is why every high school girl should never fall for it.

Tip: Squeeze the beams between your fingers and thumb while you run your feet parallel to the boards.  This will give you more control as you move your way across.  Also, just the tip always means "and the rest of it, too."

Everest:  The half pipe is a staple of Tough Mudder and a crowd favorite.  This obstacle epitomizes what Mudder is about: Team Work.  Those already on top extend their hands in support to those coming next.  Those waiting their turn shout encouragement to the Mudders sprinting up the ramp and taking a leap toward the top, toward the waiting hands of complete strangers who in a flash have become your long lost teammate.  Mudders show patience during this obstacle because not everyone makes it the first time, or second; but they will!  Team Everyone will make sure you do.  I have no jokes about Everest.  It makes me want to be a better man.  It makes me want to hold Mudders close in camaraderie and friendship.  Especially you.  Yes, you.  You know who you are.

Tip: If you need help making it to the top, don’t aim for the top platform.  Aim for Team Everyone’s waiting hands.  It is their job to get you to where you want to be.  If you don’t need help, run fast, get your momentum, and jump just before the ramp hits 90 degrees.  Waiting hands will still be there, just in case.

Electroshock: This is truly the only way to end a race.  You’re exhausted.  You’re hurt.  You want that finish line beer.  You want your orange headband.  You only need to get through the dangling live wires of ELECTROCUTING DEATH to get your just rewards… that may be a bit too much… dangling live wires of ELECTRIC TORMENT… no… I don’t know if the wires were on.  This was the first year I did not get hit, nor did anyone in my group… dangling live wires of NON-LIVE DANGLINESS... just doesn't sound imposing at all.  Maybe we were lucky.  Maybe Mudder didn't pay the electric bill.

Tip: Ran, dammit, run!  Ignore that jolt of electricity, it's just your inner spark ready to explode, that inner fire ready to ignite your awesomeness!  Ignore that sign that says 10,000 volts.  That is meant for others, not you.  Your headband and beer await, not to mention the accolades of friends, the jealousy of enemies, and hugs from sweaty, muddy Mudders!  Nothing says finish line like Muddy love!

Stay crazy,

Illustrious