The 2013 Mudder season is almost upon us and this year brings us something new! Mudder HQ has introduced a new course for New England and it will be the Boston Mudder (The Boston Mudder will be held at Gunstock Mountain in Gilford, NH. Any reference to the course being anywhere near Boston, or even in Massachusetts, is complete and total poppycock. New Hampshire is better than Boston, anyway, and a much better state to have fun things in. It is the "Live Free or Die" state and we do sign a Death Waiver to be at Mudder. Seems apropos to me).
A new year equals a new course but it also brings with it new members to Team Age Aggressively and new names for our old members.
Without pomp and circumstance let me introduce this year's Team Age Aggressively:
Mid Life Crisis has been averted by dating someone half his age. It's like buying a new sports car with the hope it will make you look younger but all people really assume is that your pubes went grey and you need someone young to help you down the stairs. We who love you can only assume that she is with you because she thought she was getting a Sugar Daddy or, after listening to you regale others of your sexual conquests, a Big Daddy; but in the end all she is left with is an Old Daddy.
Just Out of Diapers has made some massive strides in the past year. She has wrecked Ruckus! She has seized the Spartan Sprint! She has completed the Spartan Beast with fearsome Aggressiveness! She has earned her merit badge for Assisting the Elderly and apparently has gotten over that old man smell! Great to have you on the team, Assisted Living.
The Bunny Balladeer has continued her pattern of singing through all sorts of terrain. Although she has tackled multiple obstacle courses in the past she has, by her own admission, been lacking in her "training" for "races" that involve "moving." We on Team Aggressive have no doubts about her. In the end there ain't no mountain high enough, ain't no river wide enough, to keep her from finishing any race while using those impressively Nice Pipes.
She Who Has No Name has gone from mild-mannered event participant to full-fledged racer, while studying to be an RN. She does obstacles! She does running races! She does triathlons! She remembers people's names when she meets them! Seriously, that is one obstacle I have yet to master. I wish I could say it was from having so much on my mind at all times, but, really, I stop paying attention about 5 seconds into the conversation because bikinis and pudding and puppies... what were you saying? Anyhoo, bring on another race with Hello Nurse!
Whitey McWhiskey had a set-back this year. Something about a herniated something something maxipad midol cramping. He is back in full swing with his daily training regiment now! What is it, you ask? Don't know. It must involve pulling tractors or lifting hay bales or moving really heavy things because, seriously, you ever notice how thick he is. I don't understand how anyone who likes his whiskey can get that thick. Maybe that's it! Whiskey is his spinach! Is that the secret ingredient, Huge Jameson?
Of course you'll have me, Illustrious. There is nothing I can say here that I haven't already said in all my other posts. You can expect the same kind of amazingly aggressive behavior! You can expect complete and utter domination on whatever course I run! You can fully expect more outrageous lies about how amazing I am! One thing you cannot expect, however, is a name change. I will remain Illustrious (no one calls me this. Most just call me names and I cry... aggressively).
We also have two new members to our infamous team. There is the undefinable Mr. Unknown. Who is this mysterious man, you ask? Where does he come from? What does he do? What does he look like? Is he even real because sometimes you worry that I make people up so it looks like I know more people than I really do? The answer to all these questions, and more, is quite simple because... I have no idea who he is. Seriously. He is completely, totally, and undeniably unknown to me. He could be sitting next to me and I would have no idea who he was which would be weird and extremely uncomfortable because I am at home sitting in my very sexy underwear as I type this.
We will meet Mr. Unknown because his daring friend, Little Miss Yoga Pants, is also joining our team. I could have called her any number of inappropriate yoga-esque names but, truthfully, I think she can kick my ass. There were also several yogi jokes but they were all dirty and, after saying them out loud, funny, but wildly inappropriate and have no place on such an esteemed blog such as this. If you disagree you can stick it up your asana.
There you have it, folks. Team Age Aggressively is ready. We have put minutes and minutes of training to get ready for this year's Mudder. Are we ready for mud? Absolutely. Are we ready for icy cold water? Positively. Are we ready to bitch about how steep the hills are? You know it, sista. Will we finish in record time? Doesn't matter. At the end of the day Mudder is never about the time it took you to finish but the time you had while finishing.
Just a few more weeks, Mudders. Team Age Aggressively looks forward to joining all you other Mudders at Gunstock. If you see us, come over and say "Hi" or "Hey" or "Illustrious, we love you!"
It's almost time for another orange headband. Hope it doesn't clash with my speedo.
A new year equals a new course but it also brings with it new members to Team Age Aggressively and new names for our old members.
Without pomp and circumstance let me introduce this year's Team Age Aggressively:
Mid Life Crisis has been averted by dating someone half his age. It's like buying a new sports car with the hope it will make you look younger but all people really assume is that your pubes went grey and you need someone young to help you down the stairs. We who love you can only assume that she is with you because she thought she was getting a Sugar Daddy or, after listening to you regale others of your sexual conquests, a Big Daddy; but in the end all she is left with is an Old Daddy.
Just Out of Diapers has made some massive strides in the past year. She has wrecked Ruckus! She has seized the Spartan Sprint! She has completed the Spartan Beast with fearsome Aggressiveness! She has earned her merit badge for Assisting the Elderly and apparently has gotten over that old man smell! Great to have you on the team, Assisted Living.
We will meet Mr. Unknown because his daring friend, Little Miss Yoga Pants, is also joining our team. I could have called her any number of inappropriate yoga-esque names but, truthfully, I think she can kick my ass. There were also several yogi jokes but they were all dirty and, after saying them out loud, funny, but wildly inappropriate and have no place on such an esteemed blog such as this. If you disagree you can stick it up your asana.
There you have it, folks. Team Age Aggressively is ready. We have put minutes and minutes of training to get ready for this year's Mudder. Are we ready for mud? Absolutely. Are we ready for icy cold water? Positively. Are we ready to bitch about how steep the hills are? You know it, sista. Will we finish in record time? Doesn't matter. At the end of the day Mudder is never about the time it took you to finish but the time you had while finishing.
Just a few more weeks, Mudders. Team Age Aggressively looks forward to joining all you other Mudders at Gunstock. If you see us, come over and say "Hi" or "Hey" or "Illustrious, we love you!"
It's almost time for another orange headband. Hope it doesn't clash with my speedo.
Live Free or Die,
Illustrious
