Age Categories Are Unfair!

I have decided after extensive research during the past few minutes that separating competitors into Age Groups is very limiting and extremely unfair.  For those of you who race, you are familiar with Age Groups.  For those of you who may be new to racing, Age Groups are the groupings race officials put the competitors in so you may compare your race standings with others in your age group.

Example:

Joey - male, age 26 - runs with Steve - male, age 38.  At the end of the race Steve finished 12th in his age group of competitors 30 - 39 years of age.  Joey finished 43rd in his age group, 20 - 29.  Steve points his finger and laughs at Joey for finishing so poorly in his age group, stating that he, Steve, was only beat by 11 competitors while Joey was beat by wayyyy more, like 42.  Joey does the math and concludes that Steve is a prick.  Joey enlightens Steve with the fact that there were 400 competitors in his age group while there were only 15 in Steve's.  Steve, resistant to facts and ratios, points his finger at Joey, loudly states that 11th place is better than 42nd place, and goes to the beer tent to brag about being more awesome than Joey.  Joey decides to hate Steve.

OK, this example has nothing to do with Age categories as much as it does that Steve's an ass, but my point is this: Age Categories are prejudice.  Their basis is arbitrary and is biased against most competitors.  Let me explain with another example.

Example:

Joey runs with Tom.  Joey and Tom run with 500 other competitors.  Joey finishes 15th and Tom finishes 17th.  Joey's category is 20 - 29 M.NK.NW.LFT: Male, No Kids, No Wife, time to exercise and train and sleep, aka Lots of Free Time.  Tom's category is 20 - 29 M.K.W.NFT: Male, has 2.5 Kids, a Wife, a job that requires too much time and has no freedom to do much of anything unless he stops sleeping, aka No Free Time.  Joey congratulates Tom for finishing so close to him.  Tom laughs and points out that Joey should have done a lot better than Tom since Joey has freedom and Tom is  currently serving a blissful life sentence.  Tom reminds Joey that they need to account for all variables by using the following equation to even the playing field before final standings would be revealed:

ExT - [(FrT / Kds + O) + (CJGH)] = AANTE

** Ext (Exercise Time), FrT (Free Time), Kds (Total Number of Kids), O (Owner, aka, Wife), CJGH (Chores Just Given to Him, aka, The Unknown Variable), AANTE (Actual Amount of No Time to Exercise)

After applying the equation to each competitor Tom is clearly the victor over Joey by 9 places.  The real standing would be Joey in 15th place, Tom in 6th place.  Tom, with facts on his side, points his finger and laughs at Joey for finishing so poorly in his age group and joins Steve in the beer tent to further mock Joey's inadequacies.  Joey now hates them both.

See? These new grouping would be more fair to everyone and by everyone I mean me.  I currently hold the most wins in the group 30 - 39 M.K.W.NFT.WSCBHLM (Wears Superhero Costumes Because Hey Look at Me!).

Rationalizing ineptitude since 2001,

Illustrious

** The above equation is not for everyone.  Please apply your variables to the one that works best for you (or create one yourself and post it on the blog!):

ExT - (BC + BJ / HWMM)(NSNSNS) = AANTE

** Ext (Exercise Time), BC (Bag of Chips), BJ (Ben and Jerry's), HWMM (Hours Watching Mad Men), NSNSNS (New Show New Series Never Seen), AANTE (Actual Amount of No Time to Exercise)

ExT / LNP + EMP + MDP = AANTE

** Ext (Exercise Time), LNP (Late Night Porn), EMP (Early Morning Porn), MDP (Mid-Day Porn), AANTE (Actual Amount of No Time to Exercise)

Ext - [(HE)(LNE) / (BS)(BFFHBB)] - WOI = AANTE

** Ext (Exercise Time), HE (Hate Exercising), LNE (Love Not Exercising), BS (Bikini Season), BFFHBB (Best Friend Forever Has Better Body), WOI (Wear One-piece Instead), AANTE (Actual Amount of No Time to Exercise)

Who's Your Hero?

My kids love to swim.  So much so that they both joined a local competitive swimming team.  Like most kids who love their sport, they talk about who they want to be in their sport.  For them it's Michael Phelps with a slight leaning toward Ryan Lochte because of his performance in the last Summer Olympics.  I, personally, would like to be more like Lily Aldridge or Candice Swanepoel, or maybe I like Lily and Candice, they are wearing swimsuits in the pictures I have, and that's almost the same thing, right?

Right.

Go Team Bikini.

Onward.

I have also heard other children talk about their sport's heroes from football, baseball, etc.  They all want to be <insert major professional athlete of your choice>.  Adults are the same.  They praise the same athletes.  Worship them for the work.  Wear their names on their shirts.  Some go so far as to get tattoos of the athlete's number on random body parts, "I got a tattoo of Brady's number because he rocks!  Want to see it?  Did it BIG so there was only enough room for one number per cheek..."  Some may go too far.

Now, don't get me wrong.  I fully appreciate the hard work that all professional athletes put into their game: quarterbacks need to be able to read the field on the fly, wrestlers need to feel the energy of their opponent and react on honed instinct alone, and curlers have about the cleanest floors anywhere; but why do we treat them like heroes.  Are their athletic skills impressive?  Yes.  Do they inspire others to work harder in their sport of choice?  Sure.  Are the buns, as my wife likes to say, "very hot?"  I guess.

But heroes?

They don't save lives.  They don't educate children.  They don't take a bullet to the chest so I don't have to.  They don't buy my wife expensive things and say they're from me.  They don't sacrifice themselves to make things better.  They sacrifice themselves to make themselves better, which in turn makes their sport better to watch.  They are willing to go the extra yard, the extra mile, the extra fight to give themselves the extra edge; but I'm not sure if this makes them a hero.

If it does to you, then I stand corrected, yet, let me ask you this: If putting in the extra effort makes them a hero... what's stopping you from being your own hero?  You admire them for everything they are, for everything they do.  Why not you?  Will you get to their level?  Probability says you won't.  Will you get to your best level?  Probability says you will.

Don't treat them like they're better than you.  Better in their sport, absolutely.  Better at jet-setting around the globe and partying like rock stars?  Yep.  Better looking in spandex?  The vote is still out on that one.  Better people than you?  Nope.  They are just people who found what they are good at and were willing to try harder than everyone else.

Admire them.  Rejoice in their accomplishments.  Ogle their supermodel girlfriends.  Then put your cape and tights on and be a hero to someone else, even if it's only to your kids.  Especially if it's to your kids.

Up, up, and away,

Illustrious

New Year's Resolutions

There's really nothing like getting things started than by starting things.  Deep and profound, I know.  Take this whole new year business, for instance.  People sit around the night before and discuss all the changes they are going to make when the new year hits and BLAM the new year hits and BLAM no one is changing anything.  It has all been a load of hooey.  A waste of breath.  Promises unfulfilled.  Lies heaped upon lies garnished with untruths with a side of pants on fire.

Most of us want to change things in our lives but never get around to it.  Why?  If you want to make the changes you wish to see in yourself, what's stopping you?  You don't know?  I'll tell you.  It's you.  It's always been you.  It will always be you.  It's not your busy schedule.  It's not your kids.  It's not your long work day.  It's not your hurt knee or your bad back.  It's not your lack of funds.  It's not your lack of sleep.

It's  you.

You.

Every time.  Every day.  You stopping you.

Yet, you still make those promises to yourself, knowing that it's empty, as empty as the excuses you will pile upon it when you fail... when you let yourself go... when you let yourself down.

Do you know what is great about all this?  I'll tell you that, too.

Do you know what will help you make the changes you wish to see in yourself?  You don't know?  I'll tell you.  It's you.  It's always been you.  It will always be you, despite your busy schedule, your precious children, your long work day, your lingering ailments, your empty wallet, or your sleep deprivation.

It's you.

Always.

You are the reason for what you are, how you act, what you do, and how you feel.  You are the reason for your weakness or your strength.  You are the reason for your broken diets or your better health.  You are the reason for avoiding the starting line or crossing the finish line.  You are the excuses behind your reasons or you are the reason you don't make excuses.

You are the reason for you and it's time you resolved to be the you you always promised yourself you would be.

It's time you stopped being an excuse.

It's time you started being the incredible, courageous, simply amazing you.

Happy New Year (a few weeks late)!

Illustrious

2012 Year in Review

Has it already been another 12 months?  Have you really been following this blog the whole time?  You have?  Now I feel guilty writing that stuff about you on the bathroom wall.  Don't worry only everyone will see it.  Unlike last year, I will not grade the 2012 races.  I will offer you lessons learned.  Who am I to decide what races are good or bad?  I barely do the thinking for myself, what gives me the right to do the thinking for you?  I'm not your wife.

Without further adieu Age Aggressively brings you (drum roll please!)....

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Derry 16 Miler
Results:  330 / 609  -  Pace:  8:42
Final Time:  2:19:01

January brought us the Derry 16 Miler in Derry, NH.

Lesson 1: If you are running a race of a certain distance, you should train for that distance.  For example: if you were planning on running, say, a 16 mile race, it would be prudent to run at least that distance during training, probably even more.  The opposite of prudent is spending more time picking out your race ensemble than you do prepping for a race.

Lesson 2: You should always spend a lot of time putting together your race ensemble.  This is more crucial than training.  Nothing says dedication like a matching mask and underwear combo.

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Lazy 0K
Results: Level 36 rogue mage
with +5 Armor of Chunkiness

February brought us a Big Bag of Excuses.

Lesson 1: Always put off today what you won't end up doing tomorrow.

Lesson 2: Running causes injuries that can be avoided if you stayed on the couch.

Lesson 3: The X-Box Kinect is exercise because I sweat playing.
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Hynes 5 Miler
Results: 40 / 917  -  Pace:  6:50
Final Time:  34:06 

March brought us the Hynes 5 Miler in Lowell, MA

Lesson 1: Races are always better when the streets are lined with race supporters, friends, and family.  Nothing keeps the energy level high like spectators!

Lesson 2: Sprint training apparently works.  It's no fun, but it works.  Seriously, though, it sucks and I don't recommend it; but it works.

Lesson 3: Dressing as a leprechaun for St. Paddy's day race = good.  Any other costume = hide the kids, dear.

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Groton Road Race - 10k
Results:  45 / 473  -  Pace:  6:58
Final Time:  43:14

April brought us the Groton Road Race (10K), in Groton, MA.

Lesson 1: Sprint training doesn't amount to a hill of beans if your racing on lots of hills.  You know what's great for races with hills?  Hill training!  How do I do hill training?  First: find a hill.  Second: run up that hill.  Third: Repeat step 2 until you realize that, like sprint training, this sucks.

Lesson 2: Racing in towns like Groton, with its rolling hills and cow pastures and woods, is wonderful.  Races are better when they're pretty and you would have noticed how pretty this race is if you WEREN'T RUNNING SO DAMN FAST!  DAMN YOU 5 MINUTE MILERS!!!  Sorry, Lesson 2: Slow people shouldn't lose their temper.

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Tough Mudder - 10+ Miles
Results:  Great  -  Pace:  Muddy
Final Time:  Free Beer

May brought us the Tough Mudder at Mt. Snow, VT

Lesson 1: Anyone, anyone, anyone can finish what they start, as long as they have the will to do it and the support to get it done.

Lesson 2: Mudder's don't compete, we cooperate.  Mudder's don't aspire for greatness, we inspire greatness.  Mudder's don't mock and scorn others, oh wait, yes we do.

Lesson 3: If you continue to raise the prices of race and spectator fees, racers and spectators alike will go elsewhere for their mud and water and fun.  Maybe we'll throw a spear and stuff too!

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Ruckus - 4+ Miles
Results:  14 / ?  -  Pace:  9:33
Final Time:  38:13

June brought us Ruckus in Marshfield, MA.

Lesson 1: The right way to have a championship heat is grabbing all qualifying times from earlier races and throwing them together later for a Championship Heat.  Ruckus does it right.  Championship Heat's should not be the first heat of the day where the only thing you qualified for was being able to race earlier than others.

Lesson 2: Men are people, too, women!  We have feelings and emotions and stuff.  We are not pieces of meat to be ogled.  Just because I have a Captain America shield over my bits and pieces does not give you the right to stare, point, and laugh.  That right is reserved for my wife!
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Pounder - 5K with kids
Results:  Fun with kids  -  Pace:  Kids
Final Time:  Slower than kids

June also brought us the Wason Pond Pounder in Chester, NH.

Lesson 1: Running with your kids is infinitely more fun than running with your friends.  Your kids love running with you.  Your friends love running over you.

Lesson 2: Getting your kids involved with racing early will hopefully make them want to participate as they grow.  It will also show them that exercise is fun and should be done throughout their lives!

Lesson 3: The day your fit and healthy kids start beating you in races is the day running with your kids is no longer fun.  Damn kids with their youth...

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Witch City Triathlon - Sprint
Results:  68 / 191  -  Pace:  Elderly
Final Time:  1:26:40

July brought us the Witch City Triathlon in Salem, MA

Lesson 1: A poorly planned course makes for a crappy race.

Lesson 2: Unnecessarily expensive photos makes for bad business.

Lesson 3: Lackadaisical training makes for bad racing.

Lesson 4: I want to be funny about this race but everything about it makes me grumpy.  Ah, wait... Lesson 4: You have to experience the bad races to appreciate the good races... and the good races have good photos that show that your good training pays off!
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Spartan Sprint - 5K
Results:  32 / 3644  -  Pace:  17:12
Final Time:  51:36

August brought us the Spartan Sprint in Amesbury, MA.

Lesson 1: Burpees suck.  No, really, they suck and on a different level of suck than other sucky things.  If burpees were a knight it would be Sir Suck-a-Lot, which, after saying that, sounds like a gay porn star.

Lesson 2: Being chicked is awesome!  Races are not dominated by any gender.  Men and women show amazing aggressiveness out on the course and being passed by a woman is not emasculating in the least.  They are strong!  They are confident!  They look amazing from behind!

Lesson 3: Dear Spartan, selling next year's races at half-price if you sign up at the current race is genius!  Mudder, pay attention!
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Wallis Sands Triathlon - Sprint
Results:  58 / 383  -  Pace:  Heroic
Final Time:  1:16:36

September brought us the Wallis Sands Sprint Triathlon in Rye, NH.

Lesson 1: A well planned course makes for a great race.

Lesson 2: Great inexpensive photos make for loyal customers.

Lesson 3: Increased training makes for better racing (amazing, but true!)

Lesson 4: I don't want to be funny about this race.  I love this race.  Ah, wait... Lesson 4: Falling in love with racing is neither unnatural or immoral.  Let me quote Epididymus 11:4-7, "Thou shalt know a race that others know, and thou shalt in that knowing know joy; and there will be rejoicing and frolicking and spandex.  Amen"
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October, November, and December brought us nothing, and by us I mean me.  The final quarter of the year I did not race.  I did not train for anything.  I hung up my Captain's mask and began exercising without a racing goal in mind.  I swam for pleasure.  I ran because it felt good to run.  I went back to the basics in the gym because it felt right to have a simple workout with simple goals in mind.  Oh, and I was lazy.  Let's not forget that.  Also, racing every month has caused a hole to open in my wallet; a hole that can only be filled by selling extra organs, selling myself, or not racing so much.  According to my doctor I "need" all my organs to "live."  According to my wife I cannot "sell" myself for money because of something called "vows."  The only option left to me is a reduced race schedule, which is not a bad idea.  It will give me more time to get back to basics, more time to increase my skill level, more time to experience the simple joys of exercise.  It will also give me more time to refill that hole.  Oh, races, you saucy strumpet!  You take my money and always leaving me wanting for more.  I wish I knew how to quit you.  You complete me.
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There we have it, my dear Aggressives!  Another twelve months come and gone.  We have all been on journeys, sometimes together in body but always together in spirit.  Ok, not really together in body.. I mean, I haven't been with any of you biblically... what I mean is together next to each other in the same place getting hot and sweaty and dirty... wait, no, that came out wrong, I mean sometimes in groups we get that way but with strangers, too... NO... I'm not saying this right... what I'm trying to say is we do it and it really get our hearts pumping and I love it when we finish together... dammit!

Strike all of that... we are always together in spirit!

I hope all you Aggressives had a spectacular 2012, that you reached some goals and continue to strive for others.  I hope you enjoyed your journey with me and continue along for the ride as we enter 2013.  Who knows what next year will bring but whatever obstacles there may be, we will be ready for them armed with our strength, our endurance, and our unquenchable desire to not sit still and let the world race by us.  Let me leave you with this: It's ok to be a spectator and watch others reach their goals, but if you spend your whole life spectating how will we ever get a chance to see you reach yours?

2013 awaits!  Hope to see you out there with the rest of us Aggressives!  Happy New Year, everyone!

With hugs and kisses,

Illustrious

P.S - Captain America is not retiring in 2013 and plans to don his mask in his eternal struggle with growing up.  However, he will not be the only hero out there.  Where there's underwear, there's a way.

See you in 2013!

Tri vs Tri: A Story in PIctures

Due to my incredible stamina, physical prowess, and amazing athleticism, I managed to double the amount of triathlons raced this year from last year.  You read that right... doubled... impressive, no?  What's that?  How many did I do last year?  That's not really relevant to this conversation... let's not stray from the subject... well, um... 1.  Ok, so I only did two this year, but much can be gleamed from those two races.  Both were sprint distance.  Both were oceans swims.  Both involved me.  Coincidence?  I think not.  From there, though, the similarities started to unravel.  Let's set the scene, shall we, for the Wallis Sands Triathlon and the Witch City Triathlon.  First, we bring you...

The Wallis Sands Sprint Triathlon

Once upon a time there was a man who liked to wear spandex.  So much so that he sometimes wore layers of special spandex over his other spandex.  This made him feel more spandexier and he would often strut with joy.

Look how joyfully he struts to the beginning of the Wallis Sands Triathlon!

Strut on you sexy strutting spandex guy!

Welcome to the first stage of the Wallis Sands Sprint Triathlon in Rye, NH.  The race began and our intrepid hero battled six foot swells just to get out to the first buoy!  Fear not for him for he did just dandy.  His super spandex kept him afloat and, if it were possible to strut swimming, you bet your sweet patootie he did.  Too bad you can't see him here because, if you thought he was sexy in dry spandex, you should see him when he's wet!

See?  Wet strutting.  Like a boss.  Up the beach and into the first transition area he went.  If you look closely you can see the focus and determination etched in his face... or maybe that's cold and water-logged etchings... coldly focused and determinedly water-logged?  Whichever, it's probably briny snot.  Keep strutting!

Already through the first transition?  Well done!  Our hero did amazingly well!  It didn't take him 3 minutes to get out of transition this year.  He is down a layer of spandex, but not to worry... his second layer is spand-tastic.  Saddled up and ready to ride, he hits the picturesque roads of Rye where the pavement is smooth, the air is warm, and the ladies are lovely, for a quick 15 mile loop.  Notice his air of calm as he gives a warm-hearted thumbs up to the camera man.  Notice his gleaming smile as he flirts with the lens.  Notice his shaved, almost feminine, legs... from all that strutting.

Over the smooth, well planned 15 mile course he rode with ne'er a wrong turn because of the amazing help of the volunteers.  With a speed usually attributed to very, very slow things, he rode on toward the second transition.  Ride like the breeze, hero!

Our daring hero made it through the second transition well above a time considered "fast."  Off he went with mask in place to strut his 5K stuff.  Look again as he plays with the camera.  How can he manage to run his 3.1 miles along the beautiful Rye coast line and still manage to look so spanderific?    How can he possibly win, you ask?  Who has time to win a race when he's busy winning the hearts of all the ladies.  Ladies love masks.

Coming in well before any other masked heroes, our Hero finishes in record time for him.  He placed first in Masked Men Ages 37-39 who live in his house.  Great job, Hero!  Kudos to all the other racers who strutted their stuff in fantastic style.

Overall, I love the Wallis Sands Sprint Triathlon.  Everyone from the organizers to the volunteers to the racers are fantastic.  The course is scenic.  The vendors donating their wares are more than ample.  Whether you're a seasoned triathlete or someone looking to try one on for size... a triathlon, I mean, not a triathlete, this is the race for you.  Sign up early because it sells out every year!

http://www.wallissandstriathlon.com/

Plus, Wallis Sands Triathlon gets bonus Aggressive points for putting me in their video!  You can see it here:  http://anchorlineprojects.com/trek-wallis-sands-triathlon-nh/ (see if you can find me)

You may be asking, "Illustrious, you mentioned another triathlon, too.  What about that one?"  Well, my friends, let me tell you.  I also did the

Witch City Triathlon in Salem, MA

The swim was in a bay or a harbor or some kind of something that had brackish water which resembled less clear, safe ocean, more sea monster infested death lagoon.    That's not what left a bad taste in my mouth.  Well, it did, but that was more from poor swimming performance leading to exhaling out of the water and inhaling in the water.  Yes, I did that.  It was like drowning, but controlled.

The ride was poorly planned.  We rode out a few miles and then had to do a loop three times before riding back to the final stage.  Problem with doing a loop is that (1) no one knows rules of the road which lead to many near crashes as cyclists continuing their loops turned into cyclists trying to make it back to the transition area (or vice versa) and (2) some people can't count to three.  OMG!  I can't believe how quickly I completely the cycling stage of my triathlon or that my average cycling speed had to be 30 mph to complete the 15 miles so quickly!  1 + 1 = 3!  I go eat paste now.  Ugh.

The run was a run.  Nothing much to look at.  Nothing nice to distract you from that fact you were doing a triathlon.  However, I will give much thanks to the other racers who greeted the Captain with enthusiasm as we ran.

Overall, the Witch City Tri was a race.  That's it.  It wasn't bad.  It just wasn't great.  If I am spending money and a morning, I want great.  Call me picky.  What really struck a nerve were the photos.

Here is a picture of me trying to find affordable photos

Maybe affordable photos are over here.... nope

Did someone drop the affordable photos
 and not tell me?

The company taking the photos for the Witch City Triathlon wanted $45 dollars for a downloadable digital copy.  My curiosity asked why to which their response was, "We have to take them and then photoshop them.... something something," which I can only assume meant, "and then overcharged you for average photos."  Thankfully, Wallis Sands Triathlon uses http://www.nuvisionactionimage.com!  Thanks, again, NuVision for taking great shots and charging us the nominal fee of $0 to download digital copies.  Yes, it's probably charged within the cost of the race but that's OK.  If you pay $45 for a digital download you have my pity.

Aggressively Yours,

Illustrious