Rants and Raves: Spartan Beast - Killington, VT 2013

Reebok Spartan Race series - Spartan Beast

Where it was:  Killington Mountain, Killington, VT

What it is:  This is Spartan's 3rd longest race, ranging somewhere between 13 miles to God-how-many-more-miles-do-we-have-to-go long.  Within the course Spartans will encounter lots and lots of obstacles, maybe around 30 but I lost count after climbing the first hill.  It's funny, really, because those aren't hills.  It's a mountain.  A really big one.  OK, maybe not Colorado big, but it's still big, and steep, and big.  Yes, I said that already but that's how big it is... and steep, triple black diamond steep.  God, how flippin' long is this hill!  The course also comes with some very heavy surprises, many extremely technical single track trails, and some water obstacles.  Oh, and some steep hills.

Who was racing:  Team Age Aggressively, of course; but also a few thousand other Spartans hellbent on causing themselves as much pain and torment as possible.  All ages, races, creeds, sexualities, genders, and stereotypes were represented.  (Not to geek-out but we did run into Hobie Call the day before the race so, yeah, you can say it's getting pretty serious.)

Team Age Aggressively seems so happy.  Only Dates Crazies 2, Countess Ovum, Sandbagger, Nice Pipes, Illustrious, Old Daddy, and Assisted Living don't know what's in store.

Why we do it:  Not sure.  Honestly.  It's a tough race.  Toughest I have ever completed.  So tough that around mile 10 I said to myself, "Illustrious, you can do a marathon, no problem."  Any race that persuades you to do something easier, like run 26 miles, is, IMHO, a tough S.O.B  So why do we do it?  Stubbornness?  Stupidity?  Because it's there?  Totally into self-torture?  Nah, we do it because we can.  It's not for the free beer.  It's not for the medal.  It's not for the super hot muddy Spartan chicks.  No, wait, yes it is, but mostly because we can.

Rants:

1. Spectator tickets.  I will continue to bitch about Spectator tickets.  If you have to charge them, fine, but at least include in the ticket discounts to Spartan apparel, food tickets, something.  Charging people to support their friends and family is bad policy.  Spectators are already spending their money on parking, on hotel rooms, on food, etc.  Stop making them pay to support Spartan Races.  Here's an idea: include a certain number of spectator tickets with the racer registration (without raising the price of registration): i.e - Wife is registered for the race, husband gets a free spectator ticket to support her.  Kids under the approved race age get in free.  We want to nurture their interest in the race, not show them how greedy a company can be.
2. Danger, danger: I won't complain about carrying heavy things (aka cement bags, gravel in a bucket) because I did enough of that on the course, but you may want to rethink the hills up which we traveled.  Too many times we had to yell out to other Spartans about falling rocks tumbling down the hillside.  Carrying heavy stuff is hard enough but having to worry about the dangers of boulders careening into us from behind is an unnecessary obstacle.  Steep is fine.  Long is fine.  Loose rocks and boulders taking out your participants (read: customers) is probably bad company policy.
3. Rule Breakers: Hey Spartans, unless you can run downhill with control, don't run down the hills.  You want to risk your personal safety, fine with the rest of us who like a good show, but don't risk our safety and ruin our day of leisure on the course with your out-of-control mad, frenzied dash.  Rule #1 of racing: don't be a douche.
4. Volunteers: We here at Age Aggressively love the volunteers. Really, we do.  I think I may or may not have said that to some of you.  Without you the race would not go off as smoothly as it does. With that said, some of you are bit, shall we say, over zealous in your role. I know you're suppose to confirm that the elites do the obstacles without failing because there's prize money involved; but to harass the open class with the same fervor is unnecessary. Example: Yelling at racers to do the obstacle again because they spilled their gravel down the mountainside was ridiculous. They were barely making it down the mountain safely without the added weight. Recommendation: go after the slackers who chose burpees instead of obstacles, or bypass obstacles altogether to get a better finishing time, or anyone ahead of me because I'll be busy picking up all this gravel.

Raves: 

1. The course.  Call me crazy and, yes, the course was a pain in the balls, but I thought that's what the Beast was suppose to be about: a challenge to you physically, mentally, emotionally - to find your breaking point.  There were plenty of places to find it, too, in the slick, sheer root and boulder-filled downhill single track or on the declivitous* (that's right, thesaurus baby), arduous hills.  Throughout the course I would mutter, "I must break you!" like Dolph Lundgren in Rocky 4, and then laugh because there were people around me and a muttering, speedo wearing, masked hero speaking in a Russian accent is apparently kinda weird.  Na zda-ro-vye!  (*This word really means moderately steep and there was nothing moderate about the steepness of those hills, but that word is sexy when you keep saying it over and over... declivitous... declivitous... mmmmmm)
2. The obstacles.  Yes, technically these are part of the course but obstacles should be mentioned because anyone can put stuff in your way but Spartan continues to keep their obstacles impressive.  There were the typical 10 foot walls to climb over, the traverse wall to cross, the long stretches of barbed wire under which we slithered, the cargo nets, etc.  These are staples in the obstacle world.  It was the other stuff that said, "I love you when you're struggling."
1. Cement Bag Carry:  Your mission if you accept it, take this 60lb cement bag... yes, this one... yes it's 60lbs.  Yes, that's kinda heavy.  Stop crying.  Take this cement bag and carry it wayyyyy up that super steep hill and then bring it back down here.  As the hill became steeper there were several of us on our hands and knees just to keep moving.  There were also many others who were putting holes in their bag, freeing the cement powder from its plastic prison.  It wasn't so much cheating as it was cement liberation, but since I kept my cement confined... stop cheating.
2. Water Rope Climb: Swim 25 - 30 yards out to that knotted rope under the bridge, climb to the top, and ring that bell.  Yes, the water is ice cold.   I can see you're in a speedo and this will leave nothing to the imagination.  I'm sorry your Asian, now go climb.
   
    
3. Water Rope Climb with Tarzan Ropes: Remember what you just did?  Do it again but once you get to the top, grab the series of ropes suspended under the bridge and Tarzan your way across to ring the bell.  Yes, the water is still cold.  No, no one noticed the affect it had on you.
   
4. Gravel Pail Carry:  This is a love/hate relationship.  I respect the obstacle and I loved the challenge but I really hated carrying that bucket, aka that fucket.  Fill a 5 gallon fucket to the top with gravel (this equals somewhere around a lot of weight) and carry it wayyyy up that slick, rocky hill, and then bring it back down again, all the while swearing at the gravel.  Trust me, if gravel had feelings, they would be hurt.
3. Racers / Spectators: This may seen irrelevant because without them there would be no race, but a few that I met must be mentioned:
1. Girl who had cystic fibrosis: She mountain climbs.  She races.  She does everything and does it with strength and power and confidence.  There's should be no whining from us when she, who has a real obstacle in her life, continues to push her limits.  Inspiring!
2. Girl under the barbed wire: My hamstrings started to cramp while crawling.  A woman saw my plight and met me after the barbed wire with salt pills for my pain, which helped immensely.  No more cramping for the day.  I might not have finished without her help.  The selflessness of strangers always leaves me warm and fuzzy.
3. The all-girl teams:  All of you who wolf-whistled and/or hooted and hollered at me, thank you for the objectification.  God only knows I don't want you girls to like me for my personality!
4. Female Spectators: See #3 above?  Thanks also goes to you and you're welcome.

Overall:  I've said it before and I'll say it again: Spartan puts out (like all good races should) one hellavu course. Registration was quick. Bag check was efficient. Yes, we still had to pay 5 bucks but free race pics more than makes up for it. The race volunteers are awesome (the ones not making silly threats which could incur the wrath of weary Spartans). Personally, I would love to see more climbing obstacles, not more carry heavy stuff obstacles which require me to recognize my lack of things like "muscles" and "strength" and "the ability to be a man," but whatever you throw at us will be fine.  If Spartan HQ creates a more challenging course next year, great!  The Team and I along with a few thousand other masochists will hit the mountains aggressively!  Just a little hint, you already challenge us on so many levels, maybe you should start challenging us morally and ethically, too.  May I suggest several jacuzzis along the course filled with tantalizing women beckoning the male participants to join them in their steamy pool of bikini fun?  The affect would be twofold: 1) Only the strongest, morally, would be able to withstand them and 2) the image of this makes me happy.  I would suggest the same obstacle for you ladies, but guys in bikinis are gross.

The Belle of the race

- Illustrious