Don't Be a Douche: Gym Etiquette

And now another episode of...

This week we'll discuss Gym Etiquette.  Can you say "Gym Etiquette" boys and girls?  I knew you could.

1. Not My Job:  Dude, great job pushing around that weight!  What do you have on the sled because that's a lot of plates!  What is that, around 540 lbs?  And your bench press, looks like you were repping over 300lbs, before you hit the sled!  You are totally massive.  Truly, a Beast!  I am humbled by your hulk-like strength and awed by the sheer power that is you.  You know what would be even more inspiring?  Using that Herculean strength to strip the frickin' weights from the bar when you're done and put them away.  We understand that you take your workouts seriously.  It's why you're here at the gym every day without fail.  Great job, you!  Guess what?  We do, too, and we don't need to clean up after some douche who doesn't unrack his weights when he (not to be sexist) or she's done.  Unless you want every bar in the place covered in 10 lb plates (which would be incredibly annoying for someone like you who hasn't had to touch such a dainty weight in your testosterone-fueled life), put your damn weights away.  No one around you gives a shit how much weight you can move.  Seriously.  No one.  Not even that hot chick you're trying to impress.  We do give a shit how much weight you can put away when you're done.  Don't be a douche.  Clean up after yourself.
2. Hey, That's Mine: Love how you're supersetting between three machines.  What are you doing?  Chest, back, and squats?  You, sir, are awesome with your dedication, perseverance, and overall stamina and strength.  While you're off being incredible on another machine I'm just going to step in here and, what's that?  You're still using this?  Um, ok, sure, no problem, I'll go use the other... huh?  You're using this, too?  Is there a machine or dumbbell or system you're not using today?  I didn't know this was your personal gym.  Let me check the front and, nope, not Douche's Gym.  Either do something really amazing during your workout which will make it entertaining for me to watch, like smashing your scrotum between a set of 45s, or stop hogging all the weights.  We all came here for the same reason: to workout.  Not to watch you workout.  Don't be a douche.  Learn to share.
3. Just One Sec: Excuse me, you good here or are you still using the bench?  I'm asking because you're sitting here (choose one) staring off into space / talking on your cell phone / having vapid thoughts of how incredibly muscular you are, but you're not actually lifting.  What's that?  Oh, you're holding up one finger to me, indicating that I should wait a moment because you're not done with it?  Really?  How long is your break between sets?  Appears to be about 5-10 minutes.  We like to call that a "cool down."  Either let me work in or you move on.  I'm sure it's possible that you are thinking about your plans for world peace / talking to the president of the Anti-Douche League of America / admiring your bulging finger muscles, but would you please do it over there, away from the stuff the rest of us want to use?  I have one finger for you, too.  Don't be a douche.  This is a weight bench, not a park bench.

Etiquette is very important.  Always remember your pleases and thank yous, get your elbows off the table, and, most of all, stop being a douche.

Feeling summer clean

- Illustrious