Tough Mudder Vt (2012): Muddy, Bloody, Burnt, and Happy (Part 2)

Welcome back, Aggressives, to another fun-filled, fact-filled, and fantasy-filled installment of the 2012 Tough Mudder at Mount Snow, Vermont.  See?  Your wait wasn't too long.  As promised, Part 2 will continue where Part 1 left off. 

Welcome to Part 2.
*As last time, these obstacles are not in order and we may or may not have actually seen them on the course.  Either way, real or imaginary, they were all fun.

Devil's Beard: This year proved me correct.  Last year Team Everyone worked in unison and supported the weight of the Beard, aka a cargo net pinned to the ground, while walking under it.  This year, whether it be bad timing or bad luck, I went it solo.  Doing the net by yourself is crappy, doable, but crappy.  The Devil's short and curlies were crushing my spirits into the muddy earth below.  I felt trapped and alone.  Would I survive?  Would I succumb?  Would I fill more of this white space with additional whining because it wasn't really that bad.  I was just being lazy.  Work is so much better when other people are doing it for me.

Funky Monkey: I love these monkey bars.  Last year I managed to make it to the pinnacle of the monkey bar A-frame before falling into the icy depths below.  After that I swore that the following year I would do better.  I would be stronger.  I would be more prepared.  I would succeed!  I grabbed hold of the first bar.  I swung, with cold, aching hands, from bar to bar.  Up to the apex of the frame I climbed.  Yes!  The top!  I reach for the next bar to start my descent and... missed.  With all my readiness, in the end I would be falling back into the icy depths below.  I managed to make it exactly as far as I made it last year.  I hate these money bars.  

Kinky Tunnels: New to the course this year and I hope they bring them back.  The Tunnels were winding trenches dug into the slope and then covered.  There was just enough room to blindly crawl on your hands and knees through the darkness to get to the egress.  They called them Kinky because the tunnels were not straight.  They had kinks in them.  Kinky Tunnels is a good name for underground dance club, "We totally partied at Kinky Tunnels last night."  It could be a new position for coitus, "I was with Jainey last night.  We did the Kinky Tunnel."  It definitely is a great porn name, "Mudder Loving starring Kinky Tunnels..."  What were we talking about?

Berlins Walls #1: I was worried when they put in two sections of Berlin Walls because the height of them makes me a little squeamish.  Yes, I don't like heights, least of all when I am tired and feeling mildly unstable (physically... mildly physically unstable).  These Walls, however, were not as tall as the typical walls.  We were able to jump, grab the top, and hoist ourselves over without too much trouble.  These were more aperitif Berlin Walls, still just as fun, whetting your appetite for the real meal later on.  As a side note, I have yet to hear anyone make a Gorbachev jest about these walls.  I guess no one was "Russian" to make that joke.  If I have to explain that one to you, you are too young or I'm old.

Boa Constrictor: Same as last year and still as fun.  Last year I was a bit apprehensive about going through the first tube whose only exit was mostly under water, and the only way to enter the exit tube was to go back under and make your way out the second tube.  Not deep water, but if you are mildly claustrophobic the idea of having to submerge your face into muddy water may be too much.  This year I attacked the Boa with far more oomph.  Oomph because I swear these oomph tubes are tighter than oomph last year. I thought we oomph crawled through last year but oomph this year all I could manage was to slither on my oopmh belly which, I swear, I thought was smaller this year.

Tired Yet?: This appears to be a staple to all obstacle courses, so I guess it should be expected at Mudder.  Lots of tires.  Uphill.  You can run it.  You can walk it.  You can trip over it.  At this point in the course no one will laugh at you for falling; unless they're your friends.  Friends always laugh when you fall.  They're never tired of that.

Hay Bale Pyramid: Still one of my least favorite obstacles.  I don't know why they call this a pyramid.  Pyramids are grand, huge objects built to mirror the greatness of the pharaoh.  This was only two bales high.  Did this pharaoh have self-esteem issues?  Why was it so small?  Maybe it wasn't, which is why he didn't have to overcompensate by building huge pyramids like the other pharaohs.  Either way, less pyramid, more teepee, but Hale Bale Teepee sounds bad.

Ball Shrinker: One of my new favorites.  Last year they had us grab hold of a guiding rope and walk across another rope which was drawn through the ice cold pond.  Inevitably, due to the instability of both the ropes and the Mudders crossing, you would fall into the water.  This year they tightened the top rope, allowing us to suspend ourselves from it.  Hanging upside down, arms and legs around the top rope, we pulled ourselves hand over hand above the pond.  The further we slid, the closer we were to the icy pond below.  Many fell and had to swim to the other side.  People were wet.  They were muddy.  They were tired.  Some were crying.  Reminds me of a date I had in high school.

Mystery Obstacle #3: Ok, enough with the mystery obstacles.  I only remember one and it was probably due to the shock therapy I received.  I don't think they had another mystery.  Maybe that's why they put it on the maps.  To throw us off the sent.  To steer us down the wrong path.  They knew we were close, that we had all the clues, and they got desperate; but in the end it was the butler all along.  In the kitchen.  With the whisk.  Seriously, what the hell was this obstacle?

Cliff Hanger: If you don't know already,  the Mount Snow course is hilly with all its hills.  You got long hills and muddy hills and rocky hills and short hills and wet hills and grassy hills and steep hills.  Yes, steep hills.  Especially this one.  How steep was it?  It was so steep that you could grab hold of the hill while still walking up it.  It was so steep that had you stood up would have fallen backward.  It was so steep that when she sits around the house, she sits around the house.  It was so steep that she has her own area code.  It was so steep that whenever she goes to the beach, the tide comes in.  It was so steep.... wait, those are your mama so fat jokes... I don't have any this hill is so steep jokes.  Wait, wait, this hill is so steep that if your mama fell down, she would be an avalanche.

Everest: They brought back the skater's vert ramp but built it a bit taller than last year.  When we arrived at this obstacle there was substantial wait time.  This is always an obstacle where Team Everyone waits on the top to pull other Mudders up if they cannot reach it by themselves.  Thankfully, I don't need the assistance.  Swiftly and with grace I ran to the ramp, ready to propel myself to the top platform, and tripped, hitting my face against the ramp.  Thankfully there were at least a hundred people there to witness my ninja-like agility.  Take two:  Thankfully Team Everyone was there to assist me getting to the top of Everest as I gingerly leapt into their waiting arms.  Hold me.

........

Hope you enjoyed the second installment of the 2012 Tough Mudder at Mount Snow, Vermont.  I need you to be more patient than last time waiting for the third and final installment.  There will be intrigue, romance, and maybe an honor killing.  There was to be copious amounts of nudity but who wants to see sweaty, muddy, bruised, and bloody people in the buff?  Not you readers of this blog, who have a more refined taste and sense of culture.  Plus, no one would let me take pictures of them naked.  Anyhoo, working on the last installment and will have it to you soon*.

*by soon I mean when I am done which could take upwards to forever depending on when I will sit down to write it

Tough Mudder VT (2012): Muddy, Bloody, Burnt, and Happy (Part 1)

If you have been reading Age Aggressively (you may need professional help) you would know that I have a minor crush on Tough Mudder.  Yes, minor.  I don't want to take it to dinner and bring it home to meet the parents; however, I would not say no to some late night snuggling and over the shirt fumbling (I may need professional help).

After this year's Mudder at Mount Snow, Vermont, I may have to upgrade my minor crush to mildly stalker-obsessed.  I don't want to say "love" because that comes with commitments and promises and emasculations.  I prefer stalking.

Unlike last year when it took me far too long to write and post my Mudder eval, this time I will do it in three installments.  It gives you, the reader, a chance to digest my informed and well-thought-out opinions on the race and the obstacles.  It gives me, the blogger, more time to come up with words that sound like I am informed and that I have a clue.

Before we begin I must congratulate our unofficial team (see my post "Welcome New Mudders").  Mid-Life Crisis, Only Dates Crazies Too, Whitey McWhiskey, Just Out of Diapers, Bunny Balladeer, Snake Your Drain, and Bunny Chaser came, saw, got really, really muddy, and then conquered like true Mudders!  We were also fortunate to have two others join our little team: She Who Will Not Be Named, because, at the time of this writing I have, sadly, forgotten her name, and The Sthuper, who is spectacularly, splendidly, stupendously, super - but with a lisp.

So here we go.  Part 1.

*The following obstacles are not in order.  This is how they placed it on the website but it has become  plainly clear that TMHQ lies.  A lot.  I really have no idea what the line up was, but I know the map on the website does not match up with what I ran.  At least I don't think it did but I have the retention span of a goldfish.  Maybe it did, but I think they lie.  Rule number one in racing:  It's someone else's fault.

Starting Line: This is where we started the race.  Unlike last year, though, we had to scale an 8 foot wall to get to the starting line.  Kudos, TM, for placing that there.  It was a gentle heads-up that we will face many obstacles, this only being the first, and if you can't get to the starting line, what hope will you have getting to the finish line.  Or they put it there to hold back the amount of mud waiting for us on the other side.  Part of me wants to go with the inspirational reason for the wall, the other wants to go with the mud; let's settle on inspirationally* dirty, and if you've never been inspired by dirty, you've been dating all the wrong people.  I digress.  The starting line.  There we were, grouped together with 200 other Mudders, listening to the rousing speech given by the TM Orator.  He spoke of honor, of discipline, of fears, and of hope.  He called upon us to call upon ourselves and our fellow Mudders, to lend a hand or a shoulder, to aid when necessary, even if it's only words of encouragement.  Then he had us throw mud.  First mystery obstacle, the Torn Retina, no?.... maybe Here's Mud in Your Eyes?  Whatever, I have dirt in my eyes and that sucks.  Damn you inspirational speaker!  The horn sounds and we are off.  Let the adventure begin as we frantically, quickly, fervently... walk up a steep climb.

Braveheart Charge: TM changed the Charge this year and I would be remiss (and lying) if I didn't feel somewhat responsible.  If you read my blog on last year's Mudder, you would know that they had us run wildly down a short slippery slope before greeting the next obstacle.  A mad dash of 200+ Mudders down a short, muddy hillside is inherently dangerous (and higly encouraged) as they bumped and jostled each other, or slipped and were accidentally trampled by their new-found friends.  Thankfully TMHQ rectified this hazardous situation by starting the charge uphill.  It was safe.  It was sound.  It was steep; but, there were no mad dashes or frantic, unstable sprints pitting you against your gravity-enhanced friends careening uncontrollably down an uneven hill... well, at least not immediately.  Apparently, running madly down a short, slippery hill did not offer the kind of danger the Mudder God's wanted in their race, so they gave us a long climb up only to have us turn a corner and run madly down a long, slippery slope.  Nothing says "Welcome back" like increased peril.

Only Dates Crazies, Too loves his enema!

Arctic Enema: Last year it was called the Blood Bath.  I still call it lots of swears.  By any other name it would still be freakin' cold.  Let me explain: The Enema is a 4 feet deep by 8 feet wide dumpster in which they have liberally filled with ice and water... less emphasis on the water, more on the ice.  To make matters laughably worse, there's a submerged wall in the middle; a wall that can only be passed by plunging into the ice bath and ducking under the wall.  Good points: TMHQ put this at the beginning of the race, unlike last year, which helped us stay cool in the long climb ahead.  Bad points: I had ice cubes everywhere... everywhere... and was busy clearing them out of my underwear.  They should call this one The Bad Date or maybe just Blue Balls.

Death March: Fully expected, being on a mountain.  The name says it all.  Back up the mountain we went.  Far less running during the March, much more, um... marching.  There is nothing new to report.  The March may have been longer than last year.  I think they used a different trail than last year.  The trees looked different and that rock wasn't there before and the mud felt more like clay and the sun was more sunny and all these people.. who are all these people?  They weren't here last year.  Must be a new trail.

Kiss of Mud: Yes, we did this last year.  Uphill.  In the muck and the mud.  Under barbed wire.  Staring at the soles of those who passed before us (see what I did?  I made it sound ominous... like we are total bad ass.. yeah, bad ass).  I think they added more rocks to the mud this year.  I don't remember grinding my bits and pieces against rocks last year.  There's a joke in here somewhere about rocks and a hard place, and you might think I was referring to my bits and pieces, but that would be wildly inappropriate and completely correct.

Mud Mile: I don't get it.  They had this last year, too, but I still don't get it.  The course is 10+ miles long.  It's muddy everywhere.  All 10 miles.  Did we go through sections that were muddier than others?  Sure.  Were those the Mud Mile?  Dunno.  Maybe the mud was different in this mile.  Maybe they imported fine mud from the Venetian Isles.  Maybe I made that place up.  This just seems redundant.  It's muddy.

Spiders Web: I think that next year they need multiple Webs.  I appreciate the Web.  It brings together Team Everyone.  We all join in to help secure it, assuring a stable climb up and over the cargo net.  I like that.  Go Team Everyone!  Whoo!  There should be more than one, maybe several... with giants spiders.. and I could use my +5 clamor against Giant Spiders while wearing both my +3 greaves against Poisonous Monsters and my Boots of Freedom, which negates things like spider's webs and any chance I will ever get laid.

Log Jammin': I think this was the log creation that TMHQ built near the end of the course.  They had contructed a log frame in which they had placed logs running perpendicular across the frame, in random places, at different heights.  To complete this obstacle we had to crawl under, between, and over the logs.  On the challenge scale, I give it a thumb half up.  My kids do this kind of activity at the playground.  On the coolness scale, I give this a complete thumbs up, because we all want to be kids on the playground and Mudder is an adult's playground (well, actually that's anywhere there are poles and dancing and laps, which I always give two thumbs up).

Mystery #1 (Electric Eel): I tend to swear from time to time but usually under my breath so as to not offend those more sensitive than I.  I try (repeat: try) not to swear in front of children.  With that said, the kids watching this obstacle may have learned some colorful idioms that day.  TMHQ combined the joys of Kiss the Mud belly crawling with Electroshock Therapy, and it was through inch-deep muddy water.  There we were, slithering under barbed wire, staring at the potentially charged electric wires hanging down in front of us when "F**K!" I was zapped in the right shoulder.  The monologue continued thusly, "f**king hurt f**king shoulder f**k f**k stupid f**king people in my f**king way move dammit move F**K!!" I was zapped again in my right shoulder.  The phrase "f**ckity f**k" was brought to all the kids watching the obstacle by the letter F.

Hold Your Wood: Second year carrying wood.  Second year watching someone get hurt carrying wood.  From the way people were performing this challenge I was lead to believe that, maybe, they learned from last year that it does not pay to rush this obstacle, what with the steep slopes and slippery terrain.  Most people approached this carefully.  Most, but there's always one guy... who tries to run down the slope with a big log on his shoulder... who invariably falls and, thankfully, only hurts himself.  Is this obstacle prone to injuries?  No.  Are dumbasses prone to injuries?  Apparently.  Am I unsympathetic to stupidity?  Definitely.

Mystery #2: The problem with not paying attention is that I don't pay attention.  I don't remember this mystery.  Was someone building it?  Did it involve a science theatre?  How many more "mystery" related items can I bring into this discussion?  Really, I don't remember this mystery.  You know what that makes it?  A mystery.  Bet Mudder would have got away with it, too, if it weren't for those meddling kids.

........

And there you have it.  The first installment of the 2012 Tough Mudder Adventure at Mount Snow, Vermont.  Hope you enjoyed it!  I know what you're thinking, Aggressives: "But Illustrious, when will we have the other two installments? We can't eat.  We can't sleep.  We've even stopped all self-gratification.  Help us."  I hear your pleas.  You must be patient, my Aggressives.  The next installment will be released soon, after it goes through a very rigid review process to ensure that: 1. everything is factual accurate; 2. anything potentially factual is a crazy coincidence with what goes on in my head, and; 3. I have actually started writing it.  Which I have.  With facts and stuff.  Trust me.

Dammit! I'm a Runner: 2012 Groton Road Race 10K

Crap.

I'm a runner.

Double crap.

I never wanted to be one, but I think I am.

I started this racing-one-a-month thing to stay in shape but I insisted to myself and everyone else that I would not become a runner.  Runners are psychotic.  Runners fawn over things like new sneakers and mile averages and pace times and PRs and splits and running.

I hate running.  It's arduous and time-consuming and it keeps me away from more important things like criticizing runners.

How did I come to this epiphany, you ask?  It was at the 2012 Groton Road Race.

It's a great event and very well organized.  Groton is a beautiful town to have a race and the event coordinators have created a great way to spend a Sunday afternoon.  They have everything you want in a race.  Plenty of food and drink.  People of all ages and skill levels.  Superb start and finish lines.  Pace clocks at every(?) mile.  Announcers who give the fans a run-down of runners coming in for the finish line.  Vendors.  A live band.  To make it even better, they close all the roads during the race so no cars can interfere.  It's just for the runners.

My annual Tough Mudder adventure in Vermont was a week away and I didn't want to overdo any training that might affect my performance.  I decided to use the Groton Road Race as a nice, casual 10K jog to keep my legs loose.  I usually run with one or more friends and we have our own friendly competition when together.  This race I was running solo.  This meant no competitiveness, no worrying about pace or PRs or time.  This was all about enjoying the scenery and the beautiful day.

The motto of the race was to be "Take It Easy," and easy I shall.

At the starting line I chatted with a few of the other runners who couldn't help noticing my calm, easy- going demeanor.  Or my Captain America mask and undies.  The starting gun fired and we were off.  Time to enjoy the relaxed pace.

Heroically heading to the 1st mile

Hey, I'm already at the first mile.  Sweet.  Let's check the pace clock and... 6:40!  Whoa, time to slow it down a bit.  What are you doing?  Look around and enjoy the scenery.  Slow it down.  Take it easy, remember?

I love the rolling hills of Groton with its cow pastures and farm land.  Second mile water stop is packed with volunteers!  They're cheering on the competitors!  They're cheering on the Captain!  They're applauding!  The love me!  Wait, they're laughing!  They love my undies!  You have to respect people who respect the undies.  Pace clock coming up...  13:something... Didn't I tell you to slow it down?!  This is not a race.  Today is suppose to be about communing with nature or something like that.  Slow it down.

I thought I was.  Slowing it down.  I wasn't.  Apparently, I couldn't.  Every mile clock told me as much.

For the entirety of the 10K I convinced myself I was taking it easy, that I was running slower than I could have.  I honestly felt this way over the 6.2 mile course.  Yes, I still sprinted the last 330 meters to the finish line, but it's on a school track and that's what you do on a track.  You sprint.  Plus, if you're wearing a Captain America mask you have to represent.... your sheer awesomeness or lack of shame, I forget which.

Representing the undies

Final time - 43:14.  Pace - 6:58.

Did I do better than last year?  Yup.  Did I try harder last year?  Yup.  Did I drop 30 seconds from last year's pace?  Yup.

Year - Pl   Name                      Time   Pace   Gender Pl    Age Group Pl 

2012 - 45   Todd Spencer              43:14  6:58   43/254       9/52

2011 - 84   Todd Spencer              46:28  7:29   72/284       21/67

Did I become something I swore up and down I would not become?  Regrettably, undeniably, psychotically, most definitely, yes.

Now who wants to talk about the latest minimalist trail sneakers while running negative splits over a ten mile course which I usually hold a 7:20 average pace but I think we're ready to set a new personal record because I read an article that says if we keep pace to songs with a certain BPM, that's beat's per minute, we can create a rhythm which will decrease our overall pace time.....

Aggressively Lazy

Dear fellow Aggressives,

I would like to sincerely apologize for my lack of posts lately.  I could make excuses, I really could.  In fact, here are a few I wanted to use:

1) "I have been so very busy aggressively winning all my races that I haven't had a chance to write down all the aggressive awesomeness..."

but you would know that I was lying partly because I have a penchant for hyperbole but mostly because I don't win and if I did you would definitely hear about it.

2) "I recently found out I am pregnant..."

but, yeah.... no uterus...

3) "A secret government agency put together a new task force and needed me to join them in their defense of the planet against the dark forces of Loki..."

but, that team already has a Captain and the Black Widow has a restraining order against me.

4) "I stopped all running, cycling, swimming, and obstacling and, therefore, blogging, to start my new hobby: Aggressively Napping..."

and this is the only one you may have believed.

Truth is, I've been lazy.  Lazy training.  Lazy blogging.  Lazy lazy-ing.  Maybe it's the season or the weather.  Whatever it is, I don't like it.  So here's the deal.  I will start writing again if you promise to be patient with me, be gentle, and not too critical.  I'm sensitive.

I may be on my period.

(coming sooner than you think... my first installment of the 2012 Mount Snow Tough Mudder review... seriously, it's coming soon!)