Welcome back, Aggressives, to another fun-filled, fact-filled, and fantasy-filled installment of the 2012 Tough Mudder at Mount Snow, Vermont. See? Your wait wasn't too long. As promised, Part 2 will continue where Part 1 left off.
Devil's Beard: This year proved me correct. Last year Team Everyone worked in unison and supported the weight of the Beard, aka a cargo net pinned to the ground, while walking under it. This year, whether it be bad timing or bad luck, I went it solo. Doing the net by yourself is crappy, doable, but crappy. The Devil's short and curlies were crushing my spirits into the muddy earth below. I felt trapped and alone. Would I survive? Would I succumb? Would I fill more of this white space with additional whining because it wasn't really that bad. I was just being lazy. Work is so much better when other people are doing it for me.
Funky Monkey: I love these monkey bars. Last year I managed to make it to the pinnacle of the monkey bar A-frame before falling into the icy depths below. After that I swore that the following year I would do better. I would be stronger. I would be more prepared. I would succeed! I grabbed hold of the first bar. I swung, with cold, aching hands, from bar to bar. Up to the apex of the frame I climbed. Yes! The top! I reach for the next bar to start my descent and... missed. With all my readiness, in the end I would be falling back into the icy depths below. I managed to make it exactly as far as I made it last year. I hate these money bars.
Kinky Tunnels: New to the course this year and I hope they bring them back. The Tunnels were winding trenches dug into the slope and then covered. There was just enough room to blindly crawl on your hands and knees through the darkness to get to the egress. They called them Kinky because the tunnels were not straight. They had kinks in them. Kinky Tunnels is a good name for underground dance club, "We totally partied at Kinky Tunnels last night." It could be a new position for coitus, "I was with Jainey last night. We did the Kinky Tunnel." It definitely is a great porn name, "Mudder Loving starring Kinky Tunnels..." What were we talking about?
Berlins Walls #1: I was worried when they put in two sections of Berlin Walls because the height of them makes me a little squeamish. Yes, I don't like heights, least of all when I am tired and feeling mildly unstable (physically... mildly physically unstable). These Walls, however, were not as tall as the typical walls. We were able to jump, grab the top, and hoist ourselves over without too much trouble. These were more aperitif Berlin Walls, still just as fun, whetting your appetite for the real meal later on. As a side note, I have yet to hear anyone make a Gorbachev jest about these walls. I guess no one was "Russian" to make that joke. If I have to explain that one to you, you are too young or I'm old.
Boa Constrictor: Same as last year and still as fun. Last year I was a bit apprehensive about going through the first tube whose only exit was mostly under water, and the only way to enter the exit tube was to go back under and make your way out the second tube. Not deep water, but if you are mildly claustrophobic the idea of having to submerge your face into muddy water may be too much. This year I attacked the Boa with far more oomph. Oomph because I swear these oomph tubes are tighter than oomph last year. I thought we oomph crawled through last year but oomph this year all I could manage was to slither on my oopmh belly which, I swear, I thought was smaller this year.
Tired Yet?: This appears to be a staple to all obstacle courses, so I guess it should be expected at Mudder. Lots of tires. Uphill. You can run it. You can walk it. You can trip over it. At this point in the course no one will laugh at you for falling; unless they're your friends. Friends always laugh when you fall. They're never tired of that.
Hay Bale Pyramid: Still one of my least favorite obstacles. I don't know why they call this a pyramid. Pyramids are grand, huge objects built to mirror the greatness of the pharaoh. This was only two bales high. Did this pharaoh have self-esteem issues? Why was it so small? Maybe it wasn't, which is why he didn't have to overcompensate by building huge pyramids like the other pharaohs. Either way, less pyramid, more teepee, but Hale Bale Teepee sounds bad.
Ball Shrinker: One of my new favorites. Last year they had us grab hold of a guiding rope and walk across another rope which was drawn through the ice cold pond. Inevitably, due to the instability of both the ropes and the Mudders crossing, you would fall into the water. This year they tightened the top rope, allowing us to suspend ourselves from it. Hanging upside down, arms and legs around the top rope, we pulled ourselves hand over hand above the pond. The further we slid, the closer we were to the icy pond below. Many fell and had to swim to the other side. People were wet. They were muddy. They were tired. Some were crying. Reminds me of a date I had in high school.
Mystery Obstacle #3: Ok, enough with the mystery obstacles. I only remember one and it was probably due to the shock therapy I received. I don't think they had another mystery. Maybe that's why they put it on the maps. To throw us off the sent. To steer us down the wrong path. They knew we were close, that we had all the clues, and they got desperate; but in the end it was the butler all along. In the kitchen. With the whisk. Seriously, what the hell was this obstacle?
Cliff Hanger: If you don't know already, the Mount Snow course is hilly with all its hills. You got long hills and muddy hills and rocky hills and short hills and wet hills and grassy hills and steep hills. Yes, steep hills. Especially this one. How steep was it? It was so steep that you could grab hold of the hill while still walking up it. It was so steep that had you stood up would have fallen backward. It was so steep that when she sits around the house, she sits around the house. It was so steep that she has her own area code. It was so steep that whenever she goes to the beach, the tide comes in. It was so steep.... wait, those are your mama so fat jokes... I don't have any this hill is so steep jokes. Wait, wait, this hill is so steep that if your mama fell down, she would be an avalanche.
Everest: They brought back the skater's vert ramp but built it a bit taller than last year. When we arrived at this obstacle there was substantial wait time. This is always an obstacle where Team Everyone waits on the top to pull other Mudders up if they cannot reach it by themselves. Thankfully, I don't need the assistance. Swiftly and with grace I ran to the ramp, ready to propel myself to the top platform, and tripped, hitting my face against the ramp. Thankfully there were at least a hundred people there to witness my ninja-like agility. Take two: Thankfully Team Everyone was there to assist me getting to the top of Everest as I gingerly leapt into their waiting arms. Hold me.
........
Hope you enjoyed the second installment of the 2012 Tough Mudder at Mount Snow, Vermont. I need you to be more patient than last time waiting for the third and final installment. There will be intrigue, romance, and maybe an honor killing. There was to be copious amounts of nudity but who wants to see sweaty, muddy, bruised, and bloody people in the buff? Not you readers of this blog, who have a more refined taste and sense of culture. Plus, no one would let me take pictures of them naked. Anyhoo, working on the last installment and will have it to you soon*.
*by soon I mean when I am done which could take upwards to forever depending on when I will sit down to write it
Welcome to Part 2.
*As last time, these obstacles are not in order and we may or may not have actually seen them on the course. Either way, real or imaginary, they were all fun.
*As last time, these obstacles are not in order and we may or may not have actually seen them on the course. Either way, real or imaginary, they were all fun.
Devil's Beard: This year proved me correct. Last year Team Everyone worked in unison and supported the weight of the Beard, aka a cargo net pinned to the ground, while walking under it. This year, whether it be bad timing or bad luck, I went it solo. Doing the net by yourself is crappy, doable, but crappy. The Devil's short and curlies were crushing my spirits into the muddy earth below. I felt trapped and alone. Would I survive? Would I succumb? Would I fill more of this white space with additional whining because it wasn't really that bad. I was just being lazy. Work is so much better when other people are doing it for me.
Berlins Walls #1: I was worried when they put in two sections of Berlin Walls because the height of them makes me a little squeamish. Yes, I don't like heights, least of all when I am tired and feeling mildly unstable (physically... mildly physically unstable). These Walls, however, were not as tall as the typical walls. We were able to jump, grab the top, and hoist ourselves over without too much trouble. These were more aperitif Berlin Walls, still just as fun, whetting your appetite for the real meal later on. As a side note, I have yet to hear anyone make a Gorbachev jest about these walls. I guess no one was "Russian" to make that joke. If I have to explain that one to you, you are too young or I'm old.
Tired Yet?: This appears to be a staple to all obstacle courses, so I guess it should be expected at Mudder. Lots of tires. Uphill. You can run it. You can walk it. You can trip over it. At this point in the course no one will laugh at you for falling; unless they're your friends. Friends always laugh when you fall. They're never tired of that.
Mystery Obstacle #3: Ok, enough with the mystery obstacles. I only remember one and it was probably due to the shock therapy I received. I don't think they had another mystery. Maybe that's why they put it on the maps. To throw us off the sent. To steer us down the wrong path. They knew we were close, that we had all the clues, and they got desperate; but in the end it was the butler all along. In the kitchen. With the whisk. Seriously, what the hell was this obstacle?
Cliff Hanger: If you don't know already, the Mount Snow course is hilly with all its hills. You got long hills and muddy hills and rocky hills and short hills and wet hills and grassy hills and steep hills. Yes, steep hills. Especially this one. How steep was it? It was so steep that you could grab hold of the hill while still walking up it. It was so steep that had you stood up would have fallen backward. It was so steep that when she sits around the house, she sits around the house. It was so steep that she has her own area code. It was so steep that whenever she goes to the beach, the tide comes in. It was so steep.... wait, those are your mama so fat jokes... I don't have any this hill is so steep jokes. Wait, wait, this hill is so steep that if your mama fell down, she would be an avalanche.Everest: They brought back the skater's vert ramp but built it a bit taller than last year. When we arrived at this obstacle there was substantial wait time. This is always an obstacle where Team Everyone waits on the top to pull other Mudders up if they cannot reach it by themselves. Thankfully, I don't need the assistance. Swiftly and with grace I ran to the ramp, ready to propel myself to the top platform, and tripped, hitting my face against the ramp. Thankfully there were at least a hundred people there to witness my ninja-like agility. Take two: Thankfully Team Everyone was there to assist me getting to the top of Everest as I gingerly leapt into their waiting arms. Hold me.
........
Hope you enjoyed the second installment of the 2012 Tough Mudder at Mount Snow, Vermont. I need you to be more patient than last time waiting for the third and final installment. There will be intrigue, romance, and maybe an honor killing. There was to be copious amounts of nudity but who wants to see sweaty, muddy, bruised, and bloody people in the buff? Not you readers of this blog, who have a more refined taste and sense of culture. Plus, no one would let me take pictures of them naked. Anyhoo, working on the last installment and will have it to you soon*.
*by soon I mean when I am done which could take upwards to forever depending on when I will sit down to write it
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