Tough Mudder VT (2012): Muddy, Bloody, Burnt, and Happy (Part 1)

If you have been reading Age Aggressively (you may need professional help) you would know that I have a minor crush on Tough Mudder.  Yes, minor.  I don't want to take it to dinner and bring it home to meet the parents; however, I would not say no to some late night snuggling and over the shirt fumbling (I may need professional help).

After this year's Mudder at Mount Snow, Vermont, I may have to upgrade my minor crush to mildly stalker-obsessed.  I don't want to say "love" because that comes with commitments and promises and emasculations.  I prefer stalking.

Unlike last year when it took me far too long to write and post my Mudder eval, this time I will do it in three installments.  It gives you, the reader, a chance to digest my informed and well-thought-out opinions on the race and the obstacles.  It gives me, the blogger, more time to come up with words that sound like I am informed and that I have a clue.

Before we begin I must congratulate our unofficial team (see my post "Welcome New Mudders").  Mid-Life Crisis, Only Dates Crazies Too, Whitey McWhiskey, Just Out of Diapers, Bunny Balladeer, Snake Your Drain, and Bunny Chaser came, saw, got really, really muddy, and then conquered like true Mudders!  We were also fortunate to have two others join our little team: She Who Will Not Be Named, because, at the time of this writing I have, sadly, forgotten her name, and The Sthuper, who is spectacularly, splendidly, stupendously, super - but with a lisp.

So here we go.  Part 1.

*The following obstacles are not in order.  This is how they placed it on the website but it has become  plainly clear that TMHQ lies.  A lot.  I really have no idea what the line up was, but I know the map on the website does not match up with what I ran.  At least I don't think it did but I have the retention span of a goldfish.  Maybe it did, but I think they lie.  Rule number one in racing:  It's someone else's fault.

Starting Line: This is where we started the race.  Unlike last year, though, we had to scale an 8 foot wall to get to the starting line.  Kudos, TM, for placing that there.  It was a gentle heads-up that we will face many obstacles, this only being the first, and if you can't get to the starting line, what hope will you have getting to the finish line.  Or they put it there to hold back the amount of mud waiting for us on the other side.  Part of me wants to go with the inspirational reason for the wall, the other wants to go with the mud; let's settle on inspirationally* dirty, and if you've never been inspired by dirty, you've been dating all the wrong people.  I digress.  The starting line.  There we were, grouped together with 200 other Mudders, listening to the rousing speech given by the TM Orator.  He spoke of honor, of discipline, of fears, and of hope.  He called upon us to call upon ourselves and our fellow Mudders, to lend a hand or a shoulder, to aid when necessary, even if it's only words of encouragement.  Then he had us throw mud.  First mystery obstacle, the Torn Retina, no?.... maybe Here's Mud in Your Eyes?  Whatever, I have dirt in my eyes and that sucks.  Damn you inspirational speaker!  The horn sounds and we are off.  Let the adventure begin as we frantically, quickly, fervently... walk up a steep climb.

Braveheart Charge: TM changed the Charge this year and I would be remiss (and lying) if I didn't feel somewhat responsible.  If you read my blog on last year's Mudder, you would know that they had us run wildly down a short slippery slope before greeting the next obstacle.  A mad dash of 200+ Mudders down a short, muddy hillside is inherently dangerous (and higly encouraged) as they bumped and jostled each other, or slipped and were accidentally trampled by their new-found friends.  Thankfully TMHQ rectified this hazardous situation by starting the charge uphill.  It was safe.  It was sound.  It was steep; but, there were no mad dashes or frantic, unstable sprints pitting you against your gravity-enhanced friends careening uncontrollably down an uneven hill... well, at least not immediately.  Apparently, running madly down a short, slippery hill did not offer the kind of danger the Mudder God's wanted in their race, so they gave us a long climb up only to have us turn a corner and run madly down a long, slippery slope.  Nothing says "Welcome back" like increased peril.

Only Dates Crazies, Too loves his enema!

Arctic Enema: Last year it was called the Blood Bath.  I still call it lots of swears.  By any other name it would still be freakin' cold.  Let me explain: The Enema is a 4 feet deep by 8 feet wide dumpster in which they have liberally filled with ice and water... less emphasis on the water, more on the ice.  To make matters laughably worse, there's a submerged wall in the middle; a wall that can only be passed by plunging into the ice bath and ducking under the wall.  Good points: TMHQ put this at the beginning of the race, unlike last year, which helped us stay cool in the long climb ahead.  Bad points: I had ice cubes everywhere... everywhere... and was busy clearing them out of my underwear.  They should call this one The Bad Date or maybe just Blue Balls.

Death March: Fully expected, being on a mountain.  The name says it all.  Back up the mountain we went.  Far less running during the March, much more, um... marching.  There is nothing new to report.  The March may have been longer than last year.  I think they used a different trail than last year.  The trees looked different and that rock wasn't there before and the mud felt more like clay and the sun was more sunny and all these people.. who are all these people?  They weren't here last year.  Must be a new trail.

Kiss of Mud: Yes, we did this last year.  Uphill.  In the muck and the mud.  Under barbed wire.  Staring at the soles of those who passed before us (see what I did?  I made it sound ominous... like we are total bad ass.. yeah, bad ass).  I think they added more rocks to the mud this year.  I don't remember grinding my bits and pieces against rocks last year.  There's a joke in here somewhere about rocks and a hard place, and you might think I was referring to my bits and pieces, but that would be wildly inappropriate and completely correct.

Mud Mile: I don't get it.  They had this last year, too, but I still don't get it.  The course is 10+ miles long.  It's muddy everywhere.  All 10 miles.  Did we go through sections that were muddier than others?  Sure.  Were those the Mud Mile?  Dunno.  Maybe the mud was different in this mile.  Maybe they imported fine mud from the Venetian Isles.  Maybe I made that place up.  This just seems redundant.  It's muddy.

Spiders Web: I think that next year they need multiple Webs.  I appreciate the Web.  It brings together Team Everyone.  We all join in to help secure it, assuring a stable climb up and over the cargo net.  I like that.  Go Team Everyone!  Whoo!  There should be more than one, maybe several... with giants spiders.. and I could use my +5 clamor against Giant Spiders while wearing both my +3 greaves against Poisonous Monsters and my Boots of Freedom, which negates things like spider's webs and any chance I will ever get laid.

Log Jammin': I think this was the log creation that TMHQ built near the end of the course.  They had contructed a log frame in which they had placed logs running perpendicular across the frame, in random places, at different heights.  To complete this obstacle we had to crawl under, between, and over the logs.  On the challenge scale, I give it a thumb half up.  My kids do this kind of activity at the playground.  On the coolness scale, I give this a complete thumbs up, because we all want to be kids on the playground and Mudder is an adult's playground (well, actually that's anywhere there are poles and dancing and laps, which I always give two thumbs up).

Mystery #1 (Electric Eel): I tend to swear from time to time but usually under my breath so as to not offend those more sensitive than I.  I try (repeat: try) not to swear in front of children.  With that said, the kids watching this obstacle may have learned some colorful idioms that day.  TMHQ combined the joys of Kiss the Mud belly crawling with Electroshock Therapy, and it was through inch-deep muddy water.  There we were, slithering under barbed wire, staring at the potentially charged electric wires hanging down in front of us when "F**K!" I was zapped in the right shoulder.  The monologue continued thusly, "f**king hurt f**king shoulder f**k f**k stupid f**king people in my f**king way move dammit move F**K!!" I was zapped again in my right shoulder.  The phrase "f**ckity f**k" was brought to all the kids watching the obstacle by the letter F.

Hold Your Wood: Second year carrying wood.  Second year watching someone get hurt carrying wood.  From the way people were performing this challenge I was lead to believe that, maybe, they learned from last year that it does not pay to rush this obstacle, what with the steep slopes and slippery terrain.  Most people approached this carefully.  Most, but there's always one guy... who tries to run down the slope with a big log on his shoulder... who invariably falls and, thankfully, only hurts himself.  Is this obstacle prone to injuries?  No.  Are dumbasses prone to injuries?  Apparently.  Am I unsympathetic to stupidity?  Definitely.

Mystery #2: The problem with not paying attention is that I don't pay attention.  I don't remember this mystery.  Was someone building it?  Did it involve a science theatre?  How many more "mystery" related items can I bring into this discussion?  Really, I don't remember this mystery.  You know what that makes it?  A mystery.  Bet Mudder would have got away with it, too, if it weren't for those meddling kids.

........

And there you have it.  The first installment of the 2012 Tough Mudder Adventure at Mount Snow, Vermont.  Hope you enjoyed it!  I know what you're thinking, Aggressives: "But Illustrious, when will we have the other two installments? We can't eat.  We can't sleep.  We've even stopped all self-gratification.  Help us."  I hear your pleas.  You must be patient, my Aggressives.  The next installment will be released soon, after it goes through a very rigid review process to ensure that: 1. everything is factual accurate; 2. anything potentially factual is a crazy coincidence with what goes on in my head, and; 3. I have actually started writing it.  Which I have.  With facts and stuff.  Trust me.