Metro Dash Boston 2011: Jockeying for Position

This was it, the Final obstacle course of the season (unless I find another one before the end of December which will make this the Second to Final course, which doesn't have the same oomph as saying Final... Final has a sort of... finality to it, don't you think?). This event was a different take on obstacles courses. Far less running and, by the end of it, much more **** this is heavy.

A group of us went down to the race and we all had the same initial thought: "This is a short course." It is called a Dash and they meant it. Short and fast. The course, consisting of 25+ obstacles, only took up maybe a third of a football field. We do at least a 5k course so, clearly, this will be easy, a breeze, a walk-through. This will be no problem. Little did we know how far up our collected arses our heads were.

We went to the holding tank and waited for our heat to start. As we milled around we noticed that MetroDash was releasing groups of 4 racers at a time. The four competitors would line up next to each other at the starting line, stamp the ground with their feet, shake their bodies to loosen up and relieve tension before the race, and look over the line at each other, and it hit me. This reminds me of a horse race; maybe one of those steeple horse races where they have to jump over walls and hurdles and stuff. Yes, exactly like that, but with no jockies or riding crops or, well, horses. Time to put on your Imagination Caps, Aggressors, because it's time for the Metro Derby.

We have Mid-Life Crisis, Whitey McWhiskey, Only Dates Crazies 2, and Illustrious lining up at the gate. Fine looking group, they are. Did you know that Mid-Life Crisis was the original Only Dates Crazies? They changed his name when Only Dates Crazies 2 came onto the scene to avoid confusion in the betting booths and it's probably for the best with that one ready to be put out to pasture. Whitey McWhiskey, who originally was a plowhorse, has made some amazing strides in the last few months, shedding some of his excess weight and leaning up for the 2012 race season. That one may have some surprises under his saddle. Of course, no one can confuse the mustang of the group. Illustrious has put on some superior showings in the past few months and we fully expect big things from him here today.

They are ready for their heat. The starting gun fires and they're off.

Illustrious takes a short lead out of the gates but is followed closely by Only Dates Crazies 2. Mid-Life Crisis and Whitey McWhiskey trailing slightly behind.

They hit the Rope Ladder Climb and it's Illustrious who makes it to the top and down first, but only by seconds. All four are off and running to the second challenge.

Illustrious grabs the rope for the Push-Pull weight sled and fumbles his grip. The other three have lined up and it's Whitey McWhiskey pulling a quick lead as he easily pulls the weight sled toward him across the uneven pavement. Looks like Illustrious and Only Dates Crazies 2 are having some problems with the weight sled, folks, maybe they should hit the gym more, and Whitey McWhiskey is now in front with Mid-Life Crisis trailing a close second. Whitey increases his lead with a stunning sled performance as he crouches in and pushes his sled back to the line. Illustrious and Crazies fall completely behind.

Illustrious and Crazies make it to the Tractor Tire Flips and watch as Whitey effortlessly tosses the huge tire out and back to the starting position. Mid-Life is doing surprisingly well for his advanced age, and, OH!... Looks like Illustrious and Crazies have just crashed their tires together and they're spinning out of control. That'll set them back a few seconds. Whitey is the clear winner at this event and he is first to the High Walls and Tunnel; but look, Illustrious has finished his tire and is picking up speed and has caught Whitey on the Wall. Mid-Life and Crazies are hot on their heels! Now it's neck and neck as all four are over the first wall and down they go through the tunnel... and it's Illustrious, Mid-Life, and Crazies pulling a slight lead on Whitey, who appears to have gotten stuck. It's a race again as all four hit the second High Wall and round the corner to the 20' Cargo Net.

Looks like Illustrious and Mid-Life are climbing neck and neck, then Crazies, then Whitey. Whitey is falling behind now and Crazies is looking up with a mixture of anger and resentment as Illustrious and Mid-Life make it over the top and are on their way down the other side.

Illustrious hits the ground running and enters the Box Jumps. His longer legs and youthful physique are starting to give him the clear advantage over Mid-Life's stubby legs and advanced doughyness as he hops up and down over the taller and taller platforms. Crazies has made it back into the race, catching Mid-Life mid-jump, and Whitey has fallen to the back of the pack.

It's Illustrious first to the next obstacle as he scoops up the 30lb medicine ball and, hugging it to his chest, realizes that carrying stuff while running is hard and this is heavy and he really needs to hit the gym more! He turns at the line and heads back to the starting position to find that Mid-Life and Crazies are hot on his heels, each carrying the ball on their shoulders. Whitey has just made it to the medicine balls.

It's still a close race. Illustrious has grabbed his pair of weights first with Mid-Life and Crazies breathing down his neck. All three are sprinting the dumbbell shuttle run to the line and back, with Illustrious still maintaining a short lead. Mid-Life is still holding strong and it looks like Crazies is starting to slow. Ilustrious and Mid-Life drop their weights and enter the Over/Unders. Illustrious pulls a short lead as he hops over and crawls under the hurdles. Despite his dwarfishness, Mid-Life is now matching Illustrious's speed and Illustrious gets to the Hill Run only a step ahead of this aging aggressor. They are up and over the ramped balance beams and enter the next stage, the Farmer's Walk, in a dead heat. Looks like another grab and carry with Mid-Life, already use to carrying extra weight, having the clear advantage over Illustrious. Grabbing the pair of 35lb kettlebells, they shuttle out and back, and, YES, Mid-Life has pulled a small lead on Illustrious as they run to the Monkey Bars! Crazies has entered the Farmer's Walk and Whitey McWhiskey has fallen completely behind.

Not to be outdone by this AARP member, Illustrious swings quickly from bar to bar and catches Mid-Life before they enter the next stage... and it's Illustrious over the scaffolding and 8' foot chain link fence first. Being taller and younger and, to be honest, much more attractive, has its benefits in these races. Looks like Mid-Life got caught up in the chain link fence and Crazies is now hot on his heels. Illustrious has already made it to the other side of the fence and has cleared two 4' walls well before the other three. Illustrious goes for the next obstacle, grabs the 40lb sandbag, hoists it onto his shoulders, and does another shuttle run. Mid-Life and Crazies are picking up their sandbags and Illustrious is running to the Low Hurdles. He makes it ungracefully through the hurdles and dives to the ground, rolling under the Low Crawl. Mid-Life and Crazies are finishing the low hurdles and leaving no room for mistakes by Illustrious. Whitey is several furlongs back.

Illustrious picks up the first object, a sledgehammer, and starts running to the turn around point. He turns and Mid-Life and Crazies, carrying their hammers, are back in the race! Illustrious drops his hammer, grabs the second object - a car tire, and runs out and back again, and only seconds ahead of the other two. Our favorite mustang is definitely feeling the pressure now and is sprinting. Without bothering to look back, he makes it quickly over the Balance Beams, through the Window Jump, and dives back to the ground, crawling under the Black Hole.

With only two obstacles left it looks like Illustrious will finish first. He is looking confident, but tired, as he grabs the second to last obstacle. He has the log firmly on his shoulder and is keeping a strong pace out to the line and back; but, wait.. what's this? Mid-Life has closed the distance between himself and Illustious and has grabbed his log, too. This is turning out to be a close race, folks! Illustrious has dropped his log and is sprinting toward the finish line. Mid-Life has dropped his and is trying to catch our marvelous mustang! Illustrious is over the final hurdle and has crossed the finish line with Mid-Life crossing only seconds later! What a great race, fans! Who knew the old horse had it in him to catch the young stallion! They must be putting EPO in his morning feedbag. They are congratulating each other on a well run race and are applauding the efforts of Crazies 2, who has just crossed the line, and Whitey, who had made a valiant effort, has now crossed the line, too. Well done, racers, well done!

We must not fail to mention one other racer here today. He is definitely the Dark Horse of the group, he being new to racing, and was not expected to win, place, or show. However, he did finish and finish well, and has made great strides to being a powerhouse in the racing world. Skeptics had their doubts with this aging beast of burden; but he is turning out to be a very able athlete indeed.

Until next time racing fans.

Competitors in the MetroDerby - but who is who?

Final Results

NAME                         TIME       OVERALL PLACE
Illustrious                       8.16.4                27th
Mid-Life Crisis              8.28.4                35th
Only Dates Crazies 2     8.43.4                47th
Whitey McWhiskey     10.05.4              132nd
The Dark Horse          16.06.4               389th

Well, Aggressors, the race was quick, short, and, now that we know better, challenging. The chest thumping before the race was unfounded. From start to finish our heart rates were spiked. It was uncomfortable. Most of the time it made me realize how far away from 20 years old I really am. More importantly, it reminded me that it's the differences in these races that make them fun. One major criticism: Get it out of the parking lot and into a field. The dust from the lot was thick and choking. We probably hacked for an hour after we finished due to the dust. It's hard to do your post-race manly bravado strut around the ladies if you keep doubling over from couging fits and, apparently, flinging phlegm is not sexy.

Wallis Sands Sprint Triathlon 2011: Tri, tri again

Being a newbie to the sport, and not having another triathlon to compare it to, I won't be able to give you an experienced review of the Wallis Sands Sprint Triathlon. However, using my own particular talents and keen powers of observation, I will be able to paint for you, my fellow Aggressives, a picture of my amateur stumbling.

I woke up at 4am the morning of the race. It was dark. It was cold. I was cranky. It was an excited sort of cranky, though; the kind of cranky you had as a kid on Christmas morning ... you knew something awesome was waiting for you, but you also knew you were getting socks. Having already packed my bag of essentials (i.e all the gear, clothes, and snacks I would need for the race), the night before, I was ready to begin my excursion into the unknown. My bike was racked and I was driving.

The first thing I noticed when I arrived at the beach were the bikes...and they were beautiful. You had your high-end road bikes and your higher-end tri-bikes. You had every frame imaginable from aluminum to full carbon to titanium. Don't even get me started on the wheel sets... mmmmmmmm.... If you don’t appreciate bicycles then you simply won’t understand me but, needless to say, there was ample amounts of cycle-porn to bring any enthusiast to climax.

Um... yeah... so... onto the race.

Transition 0: Prepping:
I quickly busied myself with setting up my transition area. For the unlearned, the transition area is where you go to change, or "transition," from one stage to the next. Mainly, it's where all your stuff waits for you as you change from stage to stage. Being unlearned myself, setting up meant looking around at other people and copying what they were doing. Unfortunately, I appeared to be in the Unlearned section, because everyone around me was looking to each other for advice. I was not alone.

Stage 1: Not Drowning
I donned my wetsuit and walked down the beach to the starting line. Some races start with a run to the water but this was a start in waist deep water, so we waded in. You could feel the energy sizzling in the air as the athletes readied themselves. The laughter was replaced with controlled, pressured silence as each person waited for the signal to start. The wind blew. A seagull cried. A dog barked. The starting gun went off. I pee'd in my wetsuit.

My heat was making a mad, thrashing and splashing dash into the first stage of the race. Off we went to the first buoy and I was doing fine. I promised myself I would not try to compete with the other swimmers. I would swim my pace, not theirs. I would not... WHAT THE HELL! SOMEONE KICKED ME! UGH, THEY KICKED ME AGAIN! I swallowing salt water and was now most definitely, probably, drowning. I was warned that the swimmers often get kicked and punched during the swim stage due to the nature of the sport but I was not ready for the abuse. It set me off. My pace was gone. My technique was lost... and so help me God I will drown the next person who kicks me... OW!! DAMMIT!

I was able to regain my buoyant grace under fire and continue on with something resembling swimming. Months are training down the drain. I was at the end of my pack. People from the following heat were passing me. It could only be more embarrassing if they were wearing Hello Kitty floaties while doing it. I suck at this point and it hasn't even been 10 minutes. I rounded the second buoy and swam straight for the shore. I hit the beach, started to pull off my wetsuit, and ran into the first transition.

Swim Stage:
Distance = .34 mile / Pace = sllooowwww / Time = 12:40 / Rank = 198 of 311

Transition 1: Wetsuit Challenged
I'll be short and to the point: Sit down to take your wetsuit off. At least do this if it's your first time. I tried to be cool like everyone else and rip off my suit with the speed and grace of a seasoned veteran but all I managed to do was almost fall forward and smash my head on the pavement. Third of the race done and I’m already a danger to myself. What joys will the rest of the day bring? Once the wetsuit came off, getting into bike mode was quick and easy. Time to ride like the wind!

Stage 2: Chasing Bunnies
Moving from swimming to cycling was a first for me. I never did any brick training in preparation for the race because I apparently know better than all those “triathletes” who “race” “often.” What do they know? Turns out, lots. Now I know why it’s important. I was still breathing heavy when I hit the pedals and I felt sluggish on the bike. My legs were numb and it took 3 miles to feel quasi-normal again. During the first 3 miles I was passed by men and women of all ages who clearly believe in brick training. I was OK with this, until the $10000 Club passed me. I can take being passed by the Oldies but Goodies (AARP members). I can stomach being chicked (passed by women). I detest being passed by cyclists who own bicycles that cost $10000 or more. It’s an ego thing (and a jealousy thing... their bikes are prettier). It was time to play a serious game of Catch the Bunny.

If anyone was listening to me at this point in the race they would have thought me insane. I kept chanting “Catch the bunny” over and over again... for the remaining 12 miles... out loud... and cackled every time I caught one. Occasionally there was an F-bomb thrown in, “F***ing BUNNY,” as some particularly petulant bunny passed me. On the up side, I was able to catch several in the $10000 Club by the end of the cycling stage. On the down side, they still have $10000 bicycles; but I have my pride... and that’s still not enough to get me a new $10000 bicycle. Effing bunny.

Cycling Stage:
Distance = 15 miles / Pace = 21.1mph / Time = 41:07 / Rank = 43 of 311

Transition 2: Vibram Challenged
Bike on rack. Check. Helmet off. Check. Sitting down. Check. Bike shoes off. Check. Vibrams on.... Vibrams on... Vibr... dammit... Vibra... damMIT... frickin‘ toes... where are my frickin‘ toes? It took me two minutes to put on my shoes. Two minutes. Put your shoes on. See? You’re done. Me? Two minutes. I couldn’t feel my feet anymore. Screw it. We’re running.

Stage 3: Getting Chicked AARP-Style
Moving from swimming to cycling was odd. Going from cycling to running was an out of body experience. Unlike exiting the swimming stage, I was not out of breath going into the run. My lungs were open. My head was clear. My feet were being controlled by somebody else. I knew they were moving but I didn’t feel anything. It felt like I was in someone else’s mind watching them run from inside their head. Either I have finally lost my mind or I’m having a stroke. If it’s the latter, I better finish the race first. A mile and a half in I regained feeling. Great! Not a stroke; just going crazy. With my feet back under my command I was finally able to pick up pace and it felt surprisingly comfortable. I passed some runners who started the stage before me. I was strong. I was confident. One mile to go! (“Hoo Hoo!”) What’s that sound? (“Hoo Hoo!”) It’s getting louder and louder. (“Hoo Hoo!”) It’s coming from behind me! I looked over my shoulder and saw a woman in her sixties barreling down on me. That “Hoo Hoo” was her rhythmic breathing as she crushed racer after racer, including me. Try as I might I could not catch this energetic elder, this swift senior, as she ran ahead, crushing others along the way. There was no discounting that senior citizen... discount... senior citizen... discount... the jokes only get worse.

Keeping my own pace I rounded the final bend and had the finish line in my sights. I signed up for this race 6 months ago and it was now coming to the end. I picked up my pace and sprinted the final 50 feet across the finish line. The MC announced my name as I completed the race. It felt good. I felt good.

Running Stage:
Distance = 5k / Pace = 6:59 / Time = 20:56 / Rank = 47 of 311

Conclusion
This race was a great way to start my triathlete journey. I don’t know how other triathlons will be but this was a blast. We swam in an ocean that was calm and comfortable. We rode and ran over a very flat, fast course. It was well organized, well staffed, and the post-race was well fed. The volunteers were integral in keeping any confusion down to a minimum and they made it a great race and a great day. I will definitely do this race again in 2012. Next year I will have learned from my mistakes. Next year I will be faster and stronger. Next year I will do brick training and master swim lessons and longer scheduled rides. Next year... is really far away and all that sounds like a lot of work. Maybe I’ll worry about it next year.

Final Time = 1:19:40
Final Place = 76 of 311

The Art of Not Drowning

Swimming is the primary reason people refrain from triathlons.

"Run? Sure, I can run. I have feet to run," people will say.
"Bicycling? Of course I can ride! I have legs for pedaling," people will also say.
"Swim? Do I look like I want to drown? Maybe if I had gills..." those same people will also say. (OK, no one actually said anything about gills, but it would come in real handy during a swim. On second thought, maybe not. I mean, yeah, it would make it easier to breathe but you would be breathing pee-infused water. That's gross. Unless you're in to things like that... there are websites for people like you.)

There are many methods to the art of swimming and the artists are varied and skilled. You have your Picassos (Olympic athletes), your Rembrandts (Ironmen), and your Monets (record holders). Then you have me. Compared to them I am a monkey with finger paints... a finger painting monkey wrapped in neoprene... who probably eats paste.

The morning swim has turned from downright scary to eerily spooky to surprising enjoyable. Instead of cringing at the thought of another practice session in the water, I joyfully look at my calendar to schedule the next one. Looks like Coach Scotty was correct with her "advice." Who knew practicing would make you better? I am happy to report that I have ungracefully, very slowly, but still successfully managed to swim my first mile to mile and a half!

With my first sprint triathlon coming in only a few days, we will see how the practice sessions have paid off. I am hoping to be out of the water in under 15 minutes, but A) I don't know how to swim in groups, B) I have not done any open water ocean swimming yet, and 3) my big bag of excuses might weigh me down a bit.

I know 15 minutes to swim 1/3 mile may sound slow to the more experienced swimmers, but, while you're working through a postimpressionistic stage, I am still coloring by numbers. With time and practice, though, I too hope to become an artist. For now I will settle with painting outside the lines as I work on my own artistic creation. I call it Wetsuit Monkey with Gills Still Drowns.

Gearing Up for Swimming: The Basics

Becoming a swimmer, or a non-drowner, has brought with it a new slew of gear to ogle and desire. I did it when I first started cycling. Admittedly I still do it with bicycles, longing to hold that new carbon frame like a new lover... running a finger along its downtube... gently caressing its chainstays... fiddling its electronic shifters... admiring its tubeless...

… ahem... excuse me...

I do it with running gear because cycling spandex is very different from running spandex. Don't get me started on the outfits for every season.

Now I get to open a swimming catalog and openly gawk at the pictures of technical wetsuits, swim skins, caps, and goggles, which seem to make all the models look very impressive! I want to be impressive, too.

Since all new hobbies have a price attached, I have not obtained the necessary equipment to be impressively high-tech; but, thanks to generous friends, I am able to sport gear which should provoke some feelings of awe or, maybe, general ennui. Either way, I make stuff look good.

As a newbie to the sport I do not yet have the necessary expertise to properly discuss swim gear, but this will not prevent me from talking about it with an air of jejune glibness. Here are your basic needs:

WETSUIT: Swimming without a wetsuit sucks. Wetsuits, unlike me, are naturally buoyant. They help you stay in better form which keeps you more streamlined during your swim. This means less work staying afloat, more energy going into your stroke. More importantly, being more buoyant means less drowning. Less drowning is a bonus! I don't know how anyone does distance swimming without one. They are either very strong swimmers, or they're made of Styrofoam.

GOGGLES: Being able to see where you're going has amazing advantages while swimming. So you wear goggles. Firstly, you won't get water in your eyes when you lift your face from the water. You get to see where you're going. This is huge. Secondly, you won't get water in your eyes every time you put your face in the water. You can still see where you're going. This is also huge. What I am trying to say is this: Seeing is huge if you are trying to look where you're going. The chances of swimming off course is incredibly easy without things like sight, so goggles are a must. There is one downside to goggles. You can see things under the water, like lake scum, fallen trees, and aquatic plant life that resembles dead bodies when you're not expecting it to JUMP RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU! God, lakes are spooky.

CAP: They keep your head warm. They make you more hydrodynamic. They come in an array of fashionable colors that draw attention to the swimmer which, most importantly, can keep you from being run over by that teenager who you know has been stealing bourbon from his daddy's liquor cabinet every morning for the past three weeks before jumping on his ski-doo and running roughshod through the open waters like he owns the damn lake. Point to remember: white, black, or blue are not good because these colors blend in with the water. Anything fluorescent, neon, or possibly glowing would be great.

If you have these three items you are ready to pretend that you're a swimmer. As I become more involved with this sport I will surely have additional poignant, yet equally superficial, advice to give. I will, that is, if I haven't failed at being a non-drowner.

The People I've Met Along the Way (Part 2)

The Spewer: In July, I ran a 5K in Wakefield (www.takethelake5k.com - I highly recommend this race if you're up for a fast, flat course and you want to set a new PR). There I was running around the lake, passing other competitors, and feeling strong. First mile down. 6:34 pace confirmed. Booyah! New PR, here I come. Strong steady stride. Breathing is relaxed, rhythmic, yogic. Second mile down. Holding true to pace at 13:something. Final mile. I'm not passing people anymore but I am not being passed. The finish line is in sight. I am alone. I am at peace. I am zen. I am... being passed by some young upstart who has been pacing behind me! Damn his vile youthfulness. Try as I might, I don't have enough in the tank to catch up with him. Good thing I didn't. About 50 yards after he passed me he turned his head to the left and, in almost cinematic slow motion, spewed a chunky cloud of pre-race snacks over himself, the street, and anyone unlucky enough to be watching the race as he went by. That'll teach him to pass his elders.

The Ancient Ones: Speaking of the elderly, every one of us has met a few of these along the way. They are older then us. Some carry AARP cards. Most can tell you Back-In-My-Day stories about races of yore, when "we didn't have sneakers with absorption technology or wicking clothes or Gu... we ran in our leather-soled boots because that's all we had... and we were greatful for it! You kids today with your mamby-pansy spandex and GSP devices... get off my lawn!"

Here is one of my favorites: Climb to the Clouds 2005(?) - Around mile 80 I started to lose all steam. My legs were cranky. My confidence began to crumble. I hear a pleasant "On your left" as a fellow cyclist starts to pass me up one of the many hills. It was a man in his 70s riding what appeared to be a bicycle he had since he was a kid. The wheels had fenders. His gear shifts were on the down tube. I think there were springs under his saddle. Here I am on my full carbon pedaling out of the saddle, trying to make it over the hill. Here's this septuagenarian, smiling serenely, sitting in his saddle, crushing my will under his platform pedaling feet. Maybe I should have asked to ride in his basket during the next hill.

Superhero Girl: I would be remiss if I didn't bring up her. Just like Superhero Guy (see Part 1), Superhero Girl is out there to embarrass and emasculate us all. Although I have seen glimpses of her when running or cycling, she being way up ahead of me, the best place to observe Superhero Girl was at the gym. She looks like your average woman when she enters the locker room, but what exits is far more impressive. It's like a before and after with Clark Kent in a telephone booth, but much hotter and much less spandex. She, like Superhero Guy, has muscles that I don't have and don't think I could even develop. Her body is chiseled, like granite, yet soft and feminine. She walks with a calm superiority as all men in the vicinity are struck dumb as she passes. She chooses weights that I typically avoid because, well, they're really, really heavy. We stare, partly because we are guys, but also partly because we are envious. We secretly wish we had arms or quads or abs like hers, or could look half as good as she does. I've tried but apparently one of her special powers is fitting into that skin tight outfit.